Cj would have celebrated his 40th birthday yesterday. No matter how well I think I've prepared for it, acknowledged it... no matter how many times I've been here in the almost 6yrs of walking this path; the anniversaries - birthdays, holidays, our wedding, his death - these days are brutal for me. It doesn't matter how well I've been doing or how strong I'm feeling in the weeks leading up to them -- there always comes the day when I can't hold it together anymore and the grief comes roaring back to center stage. I can blame it on exhaustion, stress, sadness of other circumstances around me triggering it, but, the truth of the matter is that I just miss him. I hate being a widow. Hate my kids not having a daddy. Hate missing him so badly it hurts to breathe. Hate remembering the good times only to awaken to the reality again. Hate mourning the "what should have been". Hate walking around choking on tears and drowning in em
Our new family story as I, and my 5 children, learn to thrive - not just survive - after the loss of our "main man". This life is a continuing walk in God's amazing grace. "To each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ's gift." Eph 4:7