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Showing posts from 2017

Embracing The Path

"I hate, hate, hate being a widow" I exclaimed, tears trickling down my face into my hair as I lay on my bed, talking on the phone with a friend. "I am 38 years old and I don't know who I am, because my life got turned upside down 6 years ago and I no longer know me.... actually, that isn't true, I do know...", I whispered, "I just don't want it." "I don't want this life and yet I feel like in order to move forward into what God has for me, I need to embrace this truth of who I am - even though I didn't choose it." , my voice broke as I swiped uselessly at the endless trail of silent tears, "I. Didn't. Want. This." I am at a conference  for my company this  holiday weekend  and it has been great! A few days packed full of information, knowledge, laughter, new friends -- and self examination and truths.  This was supposed to be a weekend of business training and yet all I keep hearing is "know who yo

6 years....

6 years today...  😓 With the passage of time, the reality of your absence has only sharpened and I ache for missing you... every. single. day.  💔   I miss your face, the sound of your voice, your laughter and joy in life, the late night conversations, the feel of your hand in mine, your presence in our family, your interaction with our kids, your strength and hardworking commitment to our family and our  future. Even though I still feel as if I'm missing half of me, I make sure we choose every day, by God's grace, to move forward and thrive as we walk/crawl/are carried on this journey without you. As we choose joy and life and no matter how my heart grows as I embrace the future, you will always have my heart and love. I. Miss. You. Your, Kpakpando Nkem (For my non-Igbo friends, this means " my shining star". Cj had this inscribed inside n my wedding ring before we married) #journeyofgrace   #choosingjoy   #choosingtothrive #widow   #widowlife   #widowmom   #thec

A 40th Birthday

Cj would have celebrated his 40th birthday yesterday.  No matter how well I think I've prepared for it, acknowledged it... no matter how many times I've been here in the almost 6yrs of walking this path; the anniversaries - birthdays, holidays, our wedding, his death - these days are brutal for me.  It doesn't matter how well I've been doing or how strong I'm feeling in the weeks leading up to them -- there always comes the day when I can't hold it together anymore and the grief comes roaring back to center stage.  I can blame it on exhaustion, stress, sadness of other circumstances around me triggering it, but, the truth of the matter is that I just miss him.  I hate being a widow.  Hate my kids not having a daddy.  Hate missing him so badly it hurts to breathe.  Hate remembering the good times only to awaken to the reality again.  Hate mourning the "what should have been".  Hate walking around choking on tears and drowning in em