Embracing The Path

"I hate, hate, hate being a widow" I exclaimed, tears trickling down my face into my hair as I lay on my bed, talking on the phone with a friend. "I am 38 years old and I don't know who I am, because my life got turned upside down 6 years ago and I no longer know me.... actually, that isn't true, I do know...", I whispered, "I just don't want it."

"I don't want this life and yet I feel like in order to move forward into what God has for me, I need to embrace this truth of who I am - even though I didn't choose it.", my voice broke as I swiped uselessly at the endless trail of silent tears, "I. Didn't. Want. This."

I am at a conference for my company this holiday weekend  and it has been great! A few days packed full of information, knowledge, laughter, new friends -- and self examination and truths. 

This was supposed to be a weekend of business training and yet all I keep hearing is "know who you are", "be yourself", "be who you are"... and it was frustrating me as I inwardly gritted my teeth because I knew God was speaking to me and it wasn't about business - it was personal. 

In all honesty, I feel like this is something God has been speaking to me about for some time now, but, it has come to a head and yesterday, I felt like a freight train was bearing down on me, overwhelming me with a truth that I didn't want to hear. 

Like a toddler, I do pretty well acting as if I keep my fingers in my ears long enough and keep life shouting loudly enough... maybe the truth won't whisper quite so loudly. 

My emotions were teeming as I walked outside the hotel, along the empty pier, overlooking the harbor during the evening hours - the last rays of the sun disappearing over the calm waters, seagulls settling to roost for the night, the happy chatter of couples and families drifted down to me on the evening breeze. 

As I stepped away from the noise and into the quiet - the ache in my soul throbbed and I knew it was time to address the truth of the Voice speaking ever so gently into my wounded soul. 

I still fought it, I called a friend and tried to use our conversation as a buffer, but, as I walked the concrete pier and the breeze blew on my face - I knew it was no longer my choice and we were going to deal with it. 

So my friend - I'm sharing this with you because we all have things, situations, struggles, that we don't want in our lives. Unintended consequences of choices we have made or things we have absolutely no control over and yet still impact our lives on a daily basis. 

For me, being a widow in my 30s and a solo parent of 5 kids was the LAST reality I ever wanted or even considered as being my life. I had plans and desires and none of those were seen through the view of the lens that is my life now. 

Last night, as I churned through the feelings and emotions that were brought to the surface, my Abba Father, gently peeled back some of the layers of denial and hurt as He pointed out some truths to me. You can apply them to you and in whatever situation you find yourself. 

1. He chose me and He loves me absolutely - toddler tantrum notwithstanding. 

“Brothers and sisters beloved by God, we know that He has chosen you;”

1 THESSALONIANS 1:4 AMP

“Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

Psalms 139:16 ESV

2. He has good plans for me. 

“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.”

Psalms 139:17-18 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

3. He holds my future. 

“For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above--spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us].”

EPHESIANS 2:10 AMP

((Hugs)) friend today and everyday on this journey of grace.