The Chijioke Life

Its Christmas Eve... a mini-mountain of beautifully wrapped gifts surround our tree -- they are the outpouring of blessings from two precious families who have adopted us in God's love and surrounded us with His presence through their sweetness, orchestrating a christmas miracle for our family. About a month ago, I sat staring at my bills and realized I couldn't fit christmas presents and birthday presents into my budget - 3 of my kiddos have christmas week birthdays and it always makes for a tight month, but, with my fluctuating work this past year our finances have been limping along and the piper was requiring payment! I did the math again and stared dismally at the numbers... then I felt the Spirit whisper, "...have you ASKED Me for help with this?" "well, no.. Lord, christmas presents seems like such a superfluous thing to PRAY about -- we truly have everything we NEED and its not like we won't survive if we have a small christmas -- we are so bles

"Ok, are you SURE that is all we need? There is nothing else I need to grab? Because at this point, we are playing triage... If we don't have it, we don't need it!!" , this was phone call #5 from the already-crowded-at-8am-Walmart as I raced around grabbing last minute items for cookies & baked goods to make and give to the neighbors and friends for Christmas. As I did this, I was mentally going through checklists of to-dos...bills that must be paid, forms that must be faxed... I am a multi-tasking maniac (not necessarily to anyone's benefit) and this time of year, with the endless parties, "quick" runs to the stores and added pressures does not tend to bring out the best in people... For me, walking into a store from the middle of November through the end of December instantly puts me on edge, my heart beats a little faster and I start gritting my teeth... Heck, driving into the PARKING LOT makes my stomach acids start roiling!! LOL As I made my w

Not really!! Just had a heart-stopper episode of frantic searching for a missing, deaf, 3yr old... Complete with running the block, kids searching the house, dragging the huge solar cover off the pool (wiped out on the ice with that one), searching all cars, frantic prayers, searching every closet, cupboard, bed, tossing every pile, feeling about to vomit as I called 911 after we couldn't find her ANYWHERE... Only to have my prayers answered when we found our sweet angel sound asleep in a toy box covered with a blanket..... She had hidden well!! Tears of utter relief and joy!!!! 911 operator chuckled when I started crying as I told her, "we found her and she is okay!!" #longest10minutesever #horrific #imdone #icedin #wrungout #needachiropractor #thankful #praisingGod The above was my post on my social network site yesterday.... I was babysitting my nieces & nephew and because of the ice storm we got in North Texas, ended up being alone with all 9 children (my

It's fall!!! And it's beginning to feel like it too, here in North Texas. Cool evenings & mornings - bright, breezy, sunshiny days... Makes me happy!! (: I haven't written in some time -- life has a way of slipping past...  We celebrated 2 birthdays this month... It was harder/sadder this year... It was a 12th and a 3rd birthday... Felt like a milestone of sorts - my oldest thoroughly entering middle childhood, teetering toward young manhood and my baby careening towards big kid status... I think I would've been feeling nostalgic melancholy about these milestones with Cj here too -- our babies are growing up! Life as I knew it with Cj is rapidly disappearing, we are moving into naturally, new phases of life and I am having to reconcile myself to this fact.  I think in a way, I was holding into the belief that things would still continue as they had been and we would just be "camping out" , not that my life has actually changed permanently... Odd right??  T

It's been a rainy day. Gray, cool, wet... And I LOVE it!!  It's like a part of me, a happier part, begins to awaken as the oppressive heat of the summer starts to break and I feel like a weight start to come off my shoulders.  I began to feel "stars of joy" as I contemplate crisp cool mornings, snuggling into jackets as the evenings turn brisk and sipping on a good cup of coffee while enjoying being outdoors again! Oh yay!! :) Along with this fun stuff is a looming decision to be made on my part -- again!! My kids are (generally) stable and I feel they are making progress in their emotional well-beings and life paths... ::: Thank you Jesus::: As they have begun to blossom and thrive, I feel like I imploded a bit... It was odd - I realized that I had made my kids/my family units'survival my reason for carrying on these past 2 years and as I saw the fruit of my labor take root and begin to flourish... It was as if I got knocked over!! Who am I now? How have I dealt

First day of school 2013/2014! My littlest guy, trekking off with his backpack. Oh! It is "back to school" time...the temperature is still "far-too-hot" degrees, the sun still shines when the clock says "bedtime"... Pool toys litter the deck, the bubblers splashing water into a sparkling, empty pool. The easy, meandering time of summer is still beckoning...but it is "back-to-school" time!  It's an exciting time of year, full of new beginnings, idealism, hope for the "what-ifs" and I love this time of year... Routine & structure are coming back and I feed off of structure!! Stability & peace are the words that come to mind... :) It also means the glimmer of hope has begun for cooler weather, autumn, thanksgiving festivities and Christmas wonder -- with 5 kid birthdays intermingled!!! Lol :) My big kids have already started back to school and my little one starts this week. Oh! I'm not sure I'm ready to let him go!! He

We have been traveling quite a bit this summer, doing a lot of long distance driving trips. I've really enjoyed these trips and the time spent as a family - even with the close confines! We've racked up a load of audible book hours and have streamlined the gas station bathroom process!! :D All of this has led to an increase in eating out and we are slowly making progress with that situation! LOL!! While finishing up a Chick-fil-a breakfast during our most recent trip, I was fighting the urge to gripe at the kids about the messy tabletop. I looked around our table at the oblivious youngsters, laughing and interacting together and was struck with the thought, "...be grateful for these messes! What if you didn't have the blessing of these kiddos, you wouldn't have a mess, but you wouldn't have them either..." I sat back, decided to be thankful instead and laughed to myself as I wrote up the following list of things I will one day miss about these busy, hecti

It's been a busy summer! Full of travels (I'm getting good at long distance car drives!), new experiences, family growth, fond memories, spontaneous fun days with the kids... It's been a good summer. So thankful for each of these moments!! I'm attempting to be "intentional" about being thankful... I believe it makes my Father happy & it keeps my heart attitude in alignment with the truth of eternity :) A friend was visiting the other night for some long overdue "catch-up time" and we were both amazed as we realized this is our family's 3rd school year coming up since Cj died... How did that happen?! I can't believe how the time has passed.... William will be 3 years old in a few months and he is starting to be "aware" that things are different for him... We found a little picture book that I put together in the first months after Cj died -- I was concerned that William not forget his daddy's face. We titled it, "Will

I just couldn't sleep last night -  the minutes ticked by as my mind whirled. .. I was trying to get a clearer vision of what route to try next in my search for stability in my career path(s)/finances...  I vainly tried to quiet my thoughts and get some desperately needed rest... As my phone showed  the  2am  hour slipping away, I stared into the darkness, angrily punched my pillows and tossed & turned in utter frustration and annoyance... knowing if I gave in and got up to burn off my angst, the sun would be up and I'd be no good for my full day ahead... that and the knowledge that I'd be driving my kids around forced me to stay in bed -- praying for a reprieve from the burden of stress so I could sleep!! ...I dont know, maybe I should have gotten up -- might have finally tired out by  3am , but I would've gotten some housework done at least... Have you ever felt like the darkness is overwhelming you and everything around you? Like no matter how hard you try, you j

I am thankful for clouds and skies...  I am thankful for many things, but, this is a constant gratitude I lift up to God. For when I'm overwhelmed by life's circumstances and this lonely journey - I look up and am reminded, with stunning vistas, glorious sunrises/sunsets, towering stacks of billowing clouds hundreds - thousands of feet high, that my Father is the creator of these wondrous things and He is in control!  My "mountains" quickly get put into perspective as I glimpse what looks like the lights of heaven, streaming around clouds, pure golden rays outlining puffy cotton, rosy hues coloring the dawn or dusk and I can only smile and whisper, "...thank You...." Even stormy days are a reminder of Gods power and ultimate control - I love a good storm!! The psalmist's verse runs through my mind, "... I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from The Lord - maker of heaven and earth..." For me, living in the

Sunshine streams through my window, sparkling on the inside of my sunglasses as I sit in my car, I am trying to pour out the emotion that is welling up inside me...before it chokes me or I throw up. I have been bottling it up for several days now, I feel like the top of a pop can that has been shaken and dropped -- about to explode!! Why is it another hard day? I've had a reprieve from tears and overwhelming sadness - just the constant sad longing, the feeling that something -- someone-- is missing from the circle... I can handle that, I'm used to that niggling pain... But this - this choking, pressing weight, this stone in my chest where my heart should be... The impression that it is difficult to breathe... I am trying to lift the corner of this smoggish blanket of depression and failing...Why now? I know why - I've been dreaming again, for three nights in a row. Cj is back and we are a family again. And it feels right -- why would I ever want anyon

Soothing strains of Enya meander throughout the quiet of my family room - William is napping, kids are at school - I have a few moments of quiet pinned together (: I'm sitting at a table, piled high with papers of "important/non-urgent, important/urgent, urgent/non-important" items to delve into. Yet, I find myself drawn back to my morning devotions, I rushed through them a bit as I was running late for something, but, I remembered my spirit resonating with the verses. What did they say? What did I hear the Spirit whispering into my soul...even now calling me gently to read again and to SEE!! The chirping of cheerful birdies in my backyard seem to second the resounding sound of angelic voices streaming from my speaker - today my heart sings despite my circumstances! I will choose joy!! Tracing my fingers over the ancient, vibrant words... penned so long ago, yet divined for my needs today. "...the Lord your God...went in the way before you to search ou

Do you ever feel overwhelmed with life choices? The need to decide "which way to go" threaten to take you down? That's where I am right now...a lot of the time actually over the past 18 months. It seems like the "crucial choices" and "crossroad moments", they never end!! Each one will have an impact on my life... on our future... on our lives... each one is big and stressful for various reasons. The reason it is so tumultuous now is that before, I was able to bounce ideas off a trusted source and could garner some sense of direction from hashing things out with my husband. Maybe it was a sort of crutch, having him to talk to about things... Because being on my own, this has forced me into learning to really seek, intentionally ask, for discernment from God alone (through His Word and trusted sources of counsel) -- and I feel so inept at it! Life is busy and constantly moving and I can't just sit down and wait til the writing on the wall app

I find that when I get the chance for quietness and time; I start writing – for good or not so good (: It has pretty much always been this way for me. It is my way to express, to pour out what has been building up inside of me. I think that is why I enjoy these trips alone; in truth it is difficult being on your own when traveling, at least for me. I am not a gregarious person by nature and I have to “force” myself to interact and reach out to strangers. This is partially why I chose the venue that I did – alone when I want it, but scheduled interaction to prod me out of solitary melancholy. And I've met some intriguing people and enjoyed conversations and activity with new friends. But, I’ve had time to finish up old thoughts and work on new ones, which I struggle to communicate clearly here. Today I am peaceful and thankful for the surroundings, which reflect back that harmony to me. Blue, blue water rippling for miles away, the dark shadowy outline of rough coastline to my r

I am standing on my balcony tonight, the sky so dark & cloudy you can scarcely see a 100 meters from the boat… wind stirring the dense, muggy air into tolerable breezes, watching the incessant wake of waves as the mammoth ship presses forward… I have just come from dinner, then a time of listening to a live band sing old jazzy songs and watching couples of an older generation than I, clutch each other close and spin around with eyes closed in delight, happy in just being together. It is sweet, I enjoy seeing married couples enjoying time together. I want to tell them to cherish it , cherish every moment… As song after song is performed, I find myself a little melancholy as I watch the old couples, obviously with a foundation of years… time… time that I will never have as my own – and I am a bit sad. I find myself talking to God about this and after a bit I get up and leave the couples spinning under the colored lights, laughing at themselves as they falter and trip toes. I p

I sit here in this bright and beautiful room, overlooking pristine, blue water and the green covered mountains of Jamaica – I am away on my “sanity and solitude” trip and I am reading “1000 Gifts”, given to me by a dear friend who continues to allow the Lord to use her as a vessel of glory. Listening to the stirring melodies of Enya and learning… learning answers to the questions which have plagued me, haunted me. I am thankful – but I didn’t know why – why it is so very important , I just know that I am and I am thankful that You have caused me to SEE , to KNOW and to BE thankful. The gentle list of the huge boat that I call home for 5 nights – filled to the brim with people who are grasping frantically for happiness, to be found in an experience, an entertainment… a swirling drink, another plate of food and a willing dance partner… how is this joy? I sit here surrounded by them and I know it is NOT. I am sad, because I do not know why I KNOW this truth and they do not. Yet, I do

A sweet, well-meaning friend recently asked me if I was “better now” … and when I answered that it doesn’t “get better” when ones’ husband and daddy dies, she said reassuringly “…well, I’m sure it gets a little better each day, you heal a little every day…” I heard her heart and loved her for what she was trying to say. I just smiled, sadly, because I knew she just didn’t know. The question flitted through my head, “…please put the shoe on your foot for a moment and try to think of your answer to that question…” Why is it that because time has passed it is assumed that one heals? The pain is daily and it is everywhere. When I go to bed it is painful, when I sit alone in church, it is painful. When I see my children hurting, it is painful. When I applaud at a child’s performance and look over to share a proud laugh with their dad and find no one; it is painful…. Every day is full of moments that make me want to cry… But for every pang, every anguished cry, I look at my Savior,

Tonight I've raised my voice, cajoled, threatened, begged, cried, and all but pulled my hair out in frustration/anguish over my beautiful, delightful blessings whom I call "my children"... Namely my littlest guy, William, he began his earthbound journey on his own terms and so it continues to this day!! (: I thought I was fairly competent when it came to raising and training babies/toddlers, but this sweet sticky jumble of labile, volatile, and unexplainable emotions has me feeling like a solo trip to Alaska is becoming a necessity!! He has been especially frumpy and grumpy for the past several days (I knew he was sick, fighting a bad cold) but the sudden decision to STOP, Drop and Roll into screeching anger management video sessions when nap time arrives -- why??? And then the past few nights the bedtime process has become somewhat of a nightmare for me as he is refusing to sleep anywhere but ON TOP of mommie, toes must be digging into my skin, still can't lie st