Sunshine streams through my window, sparkling on the inside of my sunglasses as I sit in my car, I am trying to pour out the emotion that is welling up inside me...before it chokes me or I throw up.
I have been bottling it up for several days now, I feel like the top of a pop can that has been shaken and dropped -- about to explode!!
Why is it another hard day? I've had a reprieve from tears and overwhelming sadness - just the constant sad longing, the feeling that something -- someone-- is missing from the circle... I can handle that, I'm used to that niggling pain...
But this - this choking, pressing weight, this stone in my chest where my heart should be... The impression that it is difficult to breathe... I am trying to lift the corner of this smoggish blanket of depression and failing...Why now?
I know why - I've been dreaming again, for three nights in a row. Cj is back and we are a family again. And it feels right -- why would I ever want anyone new in our lives? He is back and we are good again, the kids are whole and thriving, it's easy and comfortable.... Meant to be!! And then I return to the land of the awake and reality strikes again and I am swallowed in sorrow as I get to, again, mourn the loss of what was... And struggle with futility and anger towards what may be...
It will never be the same and it is hard to see how it could ever be truly good.
I dropped the kids off at carpool, a few minor hiccups during the morning routine and Christian is now tardy - not his fault, all mine today, poor kid -- and then he smiles at me and says kindly, "...it's ok, mom - I dont mind..."
::heart throbbing painfully::
We call out "good-byes and I love yous, have a good days", the kids quickstep off towards the school doors and I head off, music playing, and it hits me hard as the tears run... How can I alleviate this? The nausea, the churning stomach... The desperate feeling that I NEED something or someone to fill this pain, to keep me from being swallowed up in this misery...
"God, I lift up my sisters this morning - please bless them, strengthen them, give them grace to meet each moment they face today.... Please fill their needs, heal their pain... Even as You are filling and healing mine..." The tears run as names and faces of dear friends and loved sisters in Christ scroll through my mind. Some I know are struggling, others may be just fine - but as the Spirit brings them to mind I lift them up...and my heart is lifted alongside, momentarily allowing an easy breath or two.
"My daughter, you are not alone - I, even I, am the One who called you... I have chosen you, called you by my Name... See I am with you -- you are carved on the palm of My hand...blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord." Luke 1:45
As I prayed and cried, this beautiful song (Jeremy Riddle) began to play.
...You say to us seek Your face
Our hearts reply Your face we seek
Come teach us Lord reveal Your ways
Anoint us for the greater things
We have gathered with one thirst and hunger
We're here to drink of glory and wonder
Here to cry out come and fill this place
Our single wish, our sole desire
To gaze upon Your beauty God
We will not rest nor will we cease
Till with our eyes Your face we see."
...a shaft of sunlight pierces the storm clouds of my soul and I can once again hear the sound of heaven's choirs... I can breathe and the tears stop.
I lift my eyes to the blue skies, see the trees covered in tiny, new leaves in hope of spring, waving in the wind... new beginnings... and I smile again. Thank You Lord, thank You for hope and focus and Your mercy!
"yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform. Therefore "it was credited to him as righteousness"." Rom 4:20-23
I have been bottling it up for several days now, I feel like the top of a pop can that has been shaken and dropped -- about to explode!!
Why is it another hard day? I've had a reprieve from tears and overwhelming sadness - just the constant sad longing, the feeling that something -- someone-- is missing from the circle... I can handle that, I'm used to that niggling pain...
But this - this choking, pressing weight, this stone in my chest where my heart should be... The impression that it is difficult to breathe... I am trying to lift the corner of this smoggish blanket of depression and failing...Why now?
I know why - I've been dreaming again, for three nights in a row. Cj is back and we are a family again. And it feels right -- why would I ever want anyone new in our lives? He is back and we are good again, the kids are whole and thriving, it's easy and comfortable.... Meant to be!! And then I return to the land of the awake and reality strikes again and I am swallowed in sorrow as I get to, again, mourn the loss of what was... And struggle with futility and anger towards what may be...
It will never be the same and it is hard to see how it could ever be truly good.
I dropped the kids off at carpool, a few minor hiccups during the morning routine and Christian is now tardy - not his fault, all mine today, poor kid -- and then he smiles at me and says kindly, "...it's ok, mom - I dont mind..."
::heart throbbing painfully::
We call out "good-byes and I love yous, have a good days", the kids quickstep off towards the school doors and I head off, music playing, and it hits me hard as the tears run... How can I alleviate this? The nausea, the churning stomach... The desperate feeling that I NEED something or someone to fill this pain, to keep me from being swallowed up in this misery...
"God, I lift up my sisters this morning - please bless them, strengthen them, give them grace to meet each moment they face today.... Please fill their needs, heal their pain... Even as You are filling and healing mine..." The tears run as names and faces of dear friends and loved sisters in Christ scroll through my mind. Some I know are struggling, others may be just fine - but as the Spirit brings them to mind I lift them up...and my heart is lifted alongside, momentarily allowing an easy breath or two.
"My daughter, you are not alone - I, even I, am the One who called you... I have chosen you, called you by my Name... See I am with you -- you are carved on the palm of My hand...blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord." Luke 1:45
As I prayed and cried, this beautiful song (Jeremy Riddle) began to play.
...You say to us seek Your face
Our hearts reply Your face we seek
Come teach us Lord reveal Your ways
Anoint us for the greater things
We have gathered with one thirst and hunger
We're here to drink of glory and wonder
Here to cry out come and fill this place
Our single wish, our sole desire
To gaze upon Your beauty God
We will not rest nor will we cease
Till with our eyes Your face we see."
...a shaft of sunlight pierces the storm clouds of my soul and I can once again hear the sound of heaven's choirs... I can breathe and the tears stop.
I lift my eyes to the blue skies, see the trees covered in tiny, new leaves in hope of spring, waving in the wind... new beginnings... and I smile again. Thank You Lord, thank You for hope and focus and Your mercy!
"yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform. Therefore "it was credited to him as righteousness"." Rom 4:20-23
That was oh so beautiful! You are not alone. My heart aches for you and what you are going through. Hang in there, Jesus has you and is enfolding you beneath his sheltering wings.
ReplyDeleteLove and hugs ~ FlowerLady
So beautiful! I love the way you turn to the Lord. He is the only One Who can lift that weight you are not meant to carry. You always encourage me to continue to do the same.
ReplyDeleteI have a sweet friend whose husband passed away at the end of January. Is it ok if I give her your blog address? I know she would so blessed by your honesty and reliance upon the Lord. She is 36 and has two boys a 16 and 9 year old.
Blessings,
Sue B.
Sue - I'm so sorry! I just saw that my reply never went through to your comment - I did it on my phone and it must not have worked. So sorry!! And of course you may share my blog (:
Deleteyou are so beautiful Hannah.... I am following your blog and words my friend... and praying over you all often.
ReplyDelete