My Circle

My Circle

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Free falling...

As I continue on this journey, I find that it is the little things that are catching me off guard and causing the most pain... I think because I'm not prepared for them. The big things I am ready for and I am able to take a breath and kind of "shore up" my emotional safeguards in preparation.
But, the little, unexpected events - like removing the empty soap dish from Cj's sink in our bathroom and realizing that I don't have to fill it again, or when his phone popped up a reminder to change the air filters monthly... these things remind me again of the reality that he is never coming back and waves of grief wash over me and the tears flow...
This week has been full of this emotional roller coaster - add to that a fretful and clingy baby who is no longer sleeping at night, stress filled moments/days over Cj's transportation to Nigeria, some anxiety over situations that were out of my control but nevertheless counted as my responsibility and fault, trying to keep up with the long and never-ending list of "to do's" to get our life back on track... and I realized that I am at the point of exhaustion and burn out...
As I told to my mom and sister, "I'm not one of those people who just up and disappear one day when things are hard, but I understand the inclination...and I am fighting the urge to get in my car and drive away!"
Through all of this, I still see God's hand and His love is shining brightly into my life and my children's lives. Everyday, if I seek His face - - I find Him! He is there, waiting to fill me again and speak peace to my soul...
As I was driving one day, doing errands, I was just marveling at how amazing God is and how, even though this is a painful place - the most excruciating I have ever experienced - I am at peace knowing I am in the middle of God's will for my life... I know this is hard to is difficult to explain!
Friends say to me how they are "amazed" at how well I am doing and how they just can't imagine if it was them in my place...
A dear friend said, "I try to imagine it, but I only see myself being defeated and hopeless..." This is how God is amazing because, as I told my friend, I would have said exactly the same thing only a few weeks ago!! This is a little of what I told her as I tried to explain what God is doing for me.
"...This is such an "odd" road, I understand what you said about imagining yourself in this place and only seeing the bad parts...I would have said exactly the same thing only a few weeks ago!
But, I think that was because I couldn't see God in it until I got here...I wouldn't have imagined this could have ever been His plan for me, but, now that I am in the midst - I see Him everywhere and that is so precious, it is with a sense of incredulousness that I can say, through my pain, that I am blessed to know that I am in the middle of God's will for my life...that I am being counted worthy to suffer that He may be glorified and that is so incredibly humbling to me... I am so grateful to Him! I have prayed throughout my life that God would use me for His glory and to see that happening is an awesome experience!
He is providing grace for each moment and He is asking me to allow Him to do something in me, beyond what I can comprehend at this is a free fall into His grace...and I know He has got me..."

In closing, I just want to share a few of the verses that have been blessing me this week!

"He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters." Ps 18:16
"He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps." Ps 40:2
"Hear my cry, O God; attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed." Ps 61: 1-2
"Our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory." 2 Cor 4:17
"Blessed is the man who endures...for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." Jm 1:12

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts, please continue them, we need them greatly!!

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