My Circle

My Circle

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


I ache for missing my husband, longing for him to be here, to walk through the door and hold me again. Sometimes when I'm lying awake in bed at night, I feel that if I just don't open my eyes and reach out I will feel him there, lying beside me and all will be well again. But, invariably, I open my eyes and his side of the bed is cold and empty...

God said that the "two shall become one" - well my other half is gone and I'm walking around off balance with this constant thrum of loss with each beat of my heart, because my partner in life is gone... simply breathing is painful at times.

It has now been almost a month since Cj drowned and people say to me, "life goes on, you must move on, you must be strong...I understand how you must be feeling..." or they wonder what is wrong when they see my red rimmed eyes after I've been crying...
I take a breath, fight the urge to scream, smile and say I am fine... but the truth is that my heart is weeping -- I am just wailing on the inside...but, how do I explain that?
I have no words for this grief...these emotions are too painful and deep for mere words... unless you have been here, you do not understand this agony that is felt to the very core of your being.
At the end of the day, we do not have respite and comfort with our daddy here to say good night or my husband here to listen, hold me and tell me it will be alright.
The reality of my loss takes my breath away a hundred times a day...I am told to "be strong" and the "how are you doing" question is one I've been asked a thousand times by caring friends and family...the honest answer, is "not very well"!
I'm not strong... Emotionally I am at my most fragile and labile...I have never felt this weak and out of control...and for my "control freak" side, this is not fun!!
In my weakness, He is made strong...that the power of God may be made manifest...let His name be glorified! these words ring loud and true for me, resounding as I again give God my broken heart... When I can't see God's plan, I trust His heart.
I have a new understanding of the psalmist and how often you see him crying out in pain and with hard questions and then by the end of the chapter, he is praising God and thanking Him for His faithfulness. I say this, because, even as I write this through broken sobs and tears streaming down my face, dripping off my chin, these are the words going through my heart now - "I will yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God". He is faithful...

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