My Circle

My Circle
thechijiokelife

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Hard days...

Today, I have been fighting the "blues" all day... Last night, I dreamed that Cj was coming home and I was excited to show him our new room. I woke up realizing that wasn't ever going to happen and it just started my day off on the wrong note...
In everything I am doing, every decision or choice I am making, I am unconsciously thinking, "what will Cj say about this... what will he think about this choice..." When I drive onto the toll road I automatically think, "uh-oh, Cj will get grumpy if I run the tolltag up..." then I remember -- again -- that he won't ever care about that and it doesn't matter anymore because I'm the one responsible and paying the bills now.

**sigh**

The constant reminder of loss is hard... so hard. I have this voice inside of me that keeps repeating, "he's not coming back, Hannah... he's not coming back"

Today was a struggle in keeping my hope and focus where it needs to be - - minor irritations became major ones... and the desire to just crawl back under the covers and close out the world was strong.
I just didn't want to care anymore today.

So, I'm being honest about how I'm feeling tonight, life is hard! God is good and He is still on the throne (thank God), some days are just rougher than others...

"[Jesus] said to them, Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest awhile." Mark 6:31
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake." Ps 23: 1-3


Prayers Requests
1. The boys weren't able to start school on the first day after all, prayer that everything goes smoothly once they are actually able to start. Although, I hate for them to have to start late, they aren't perturbed at all, a little excited actually!

2. I'm exploring several options for counseling, prayer for guidance in this.

3. Wisdom

4. Better days

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