My Circle

My Circle

Friday, February 3, 2017

A 40th Birthday

Cj would have celebrated his 40th birthday yesterday. 

No matter how well I think I've prepared for it, acknowledged it... no matter how many times I've been here in the almost 6yrs of walking this path; the anniversaries - birthdays, holidays, our wedding, his death - these days are brutal for me. 

It doesn't matter how well I've been doing or how strong I'm feeling in the weeks leading up to them -- there always comes the day when I can't hold it together anymore and the grief comes roaring back to center stage. 
I can blame it on exhaustion, stress, sadness of other circumstances around me triggering it, but, the truth of the matter is that I just miss him. 
I hate being a widow. 
Hate my kids not having a daddy. 
Hate missing him so badly it hurts to breathe. 
Hate remembering the good times only to awaken to the reality again. 
Hate mourning the "what should have been". 
Hate walking around choking on tears and drowning in emotion. 
Hate having a broken heart. 
Hate feeling like I cannot do this for one more day.

Today is that day for me. It's not pretty, but, it is honest. This is the truth of what this journey looks like - almost 6 years later. I did not understand this before -- I barely comprehend it now. "Abba, my heart is so broken- how can there be any good out of all this mess?" 
And He stops everything to pick me up again. To hold me in the Arms that hold up the universe. The Mind that holds all wisdom thinks of me and the Voice that spoke the world into existence, speaks my name. He soothes my pain and gently reminds me that I am His daughter; His beloved. 
He stores my tears and knows my pain as He loves me. Through this valley I know that I am not alone; I have never been alone. I don't think I've walked even one step in my own strength. 
He shepherds my wounded soul and gathers the pieces of my broken heart. And with every ragged, painful breath, I lift a symphony of praise to the One who has my heart. 
“You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:5, 10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

He has restored my joy throughout this day - not in my circumstances; they haven't changed.  But in knowing the truth of my hope in Christ. My heart is weary in the waiting, the journeying, but, He restores my soul with His unstoppable, indescribable love. With every beat of my heart, I am in awe of the Creator and Lover of my soul. He is good. He goes before me, He never leaves me. “How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:17‬ ‭NLT‬‬


  1. Hannah, As I read this, tears roll down my cheeks as my heart aches with pain and sorrow for you and your children. You express your feelings so perfectly that the empathy I feel overwhelms me. You are such a beautiful person both inside and out. I love you and you hold a special place in my heart. It saddens me to think of your sadness because your smile does bring light into everyone's life that shares it. With all my prayers, Melody.

    1. You are precious to me friend - thank you for your kind words. I love you too!