Skip to main content

A 40th Birthday



Cj would have celebrated his 40th birthday yesterday. 

No matter how well I think I've prepared for it, acknowledged it... no matter how many times I've been here in the almost 6yrs of walking this path; the anniversaries - birthdays, holidays, our wedding, his death - these days are brutal for me. 
It doesn't matter how well I've been doing or how strong I'm feeling in the weeks leading up to them -- there always comes the day when I can't hold it together anymore and the grief comes roaring back to center stage. 
I can blame it on exhaustion, stress, sadness of other circumstances around me triggering it, but, the truth of the matter is that I just miss him. 
I hate being a widow. 
Hate my kids not having a daddy. 
Hate missing him so badly it hurts to breathe. 
Hate remembering the good times only to awaken to the reality again. 
Hate mourning the "what should have been". 
Hate walking around choking on tears and drowning in emotion. 
Hate having a broken heart. 
Hate feeling like I cannot do this for one more day.

Today is that day for me. It's not pretty, but, it is honest. This is the truth of what this journey looks like - almost 6 years later. I did not understand this before -- I barely comprehend it now. "Abba, my heart is so broken- how can there be any good out of all this mess?" 
And He stops everything to pick me up again. To hold me in the Arms that hold up the universe. The Mind that holds all wisdom thinks of me and the Voice that spoke the world into existence, speaks my name. He soothes my pain and gently reminds me that I am His daughter; His beloved. 
He stores my tears and knows my pain as He loves me. Through this valley I know that I am not alone; I have never been alone. I don't think I've walked even one step in my own strength. 
He shepherds my wounded soul and gathers the pieces of my broken heart. And with every ragged, painful breath, I lift a symphony of praise to the One who has my heart. 
“You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:5, 10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

He has restored my joy throughout this day - not in my circumstances; they haven't changed.  But in knowing the truth of my hope in Christ. My heart is weary in the waiting, the journeying, but, He restores my soul with His unstoppable, indescribable love. With every beat of my heart, I am in awe of the Creator and Lover of my soul. He is good. He goes before me, He never leaves me. “How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:17‬ ‭NLT‬‬








Comments

  1. MdrayerrnFebruary 4, 2017 at 2:03 AM

    Hannah, As I read this, tears roll down my cheeks as my heart aches with pain and sorrow for you and your children. You express your feelings so perfectly that the empathy I feel overwhelms me. You are such a beautiful person both inside and out. I love you and you hold a special place in my heart. It saddens me to think of your sadness because your smile does bring light into everyone's life that shares it. With all my prayers, Melody.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Yada,Yadah GirlFebruary 4, 2017 at 4:14 AM

      You are precious to me friend - thank you for your kind words. I love you too!

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hiding in Jesus

Hiding in Jesus Today was a hard day, I start thinking I am doing okay and then unexpectedly the pain comes... Had a regular check-up for the baby today, and I felt that I was going to be okay, but when I walked into the office, the reality of how much my life is changing hit me and I broke down when the pediatrician walked into the exam room. Also today, I began the process of cleaning out my bedroom, removing a lot of the things that speak so loudly of Cj's presence - as we began pulling stuff out and I saw again how my life is changing, I found myself withdrawing and that now familiar ache spreading... I asked my sister to turn on my ipod and just shuffle my songs. Two songs came on, the first one which I haven't heard for probably 5 years at least! But these two songs were exactly what I needed to hear from my Savior and I was so blessed as His love spread into my hurting heart and again became that "balm of gilead" for me at that moment... I'm going to post a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Free falling...

As I continue on this journey, I find that it is the little things that are catching me off guard and causing the most pain... I think because I'm not prepared for them. The big things I am ready for and I am able to take a breath and kind of "shore up" my emotional safeguards in preparation. But, the little, unexpected events - like removing the empty soap dish from Cj's sink in our bathroom and realizing that I don't have to fill it again, or when his phone popped up a reminder to change the air filters monthly... these things remind me again of the reality that he is never coming back and waves of grief wash over me and the tears flow... This week has been full of this emotional roller coaster - add to that a fretful and clingy baby who is no longer sleeping at night, stress filled moments/days over Cj's transportation to Nigeria, some anxiety over situations that were out of my control but nevertheless counted as my responsibility and fault, trying to keep...
Post a Comment
Read more

Living in the shelter of His wings

Not really!! Just had a heart-stopper episode of frantic searching for a missing, deaf, 3yr old... Complete with running the block, kids searching the house, dragging the huge solar cover off the pool (wiped out on the ice with that one), searching all cars, frantic prayers, searching every closet, cupboard, bed, tossing every pile, feeling about to vomit as I called 911 after we couldn't find her ANYWHERE... Only to have my prayers answered when we found our sweet angel sound asleep in a toy box covered with a blanket..... She had hidden well!! Tears of utter relief and joy!!!! 911 operator chuckled when I started crying as I told her, "we found her and she is okay!!" #longest10minutesever #horrific #imdone #icedin #wrungout #needachiropractor #thankful #praisingGod The above was my post on my social network site yesterday.... I was babysitting my nieces & nephew and because of the ice storm we got in North Texas, ended up being alone with all 9 children (my ...
5 comments
Read more