Thursday, October 24, 2013
Waiting on the masterpiece
It's fall!!! And it's beginning to feel like it too, here in North Texas. Cool evenings & mornings - bright, breezy, sunshiny days... Makes me happy!! (:
I haven't written in some time -- life has a way of slipping past...
We celebrated 2 birthdays this month... It was harder/sadder this year... It was a 12th and a 3rd birthday... Felt like a milestone of sorts - my oldest thoroughly entering middle childhood, teetering toward young manhood and my baby careening towards big kid status...I think I would've been feeling nostalgic melancholy about these milestones with Cj here too -- our babies are growing up!
Life as I knew it with Cj is rapidly disappearing, we are moving into naturally, new phases of life and I am having to reconcile myself to this fact.
I think in a way, I was holding into the belief that things would still continue as they had been and we would just be "camping out", not that my life has actually changed permanently... Odd right??
This is my 3rd year as a widow and I am just now comprehending the fact that I will forever walk with grief as a companion.
::It comes at unexpected moments::
What should have been a fun weekend celebrating my son's 12th birthday was instead an exercise in maintaining a cheerful front. I inwardly anguished over the raw pain in his eyes as he stoically went through the motions of birthday fun. I would find him sitting quietly, staring into space and fighting tears. No words could take the pain away... He is a sad boy, missing his dad every day... And it rips my heart to pieces!
::"Lord, please bring beauty and healing out of these ashes -- I don't even know what that looks like for these precious, wounded young souls -- but I know that you PROMISED that it will all work for their good and that the work You have started you WILL complete... Give us peace as we wait on you, strengthen our hearts, oh God, strengthen our hearts... We are trying to be of good courage as we wait...thank You that You said joy will come in the morning!"::
As I've grasped this concept of living with grief - I am learning the concept of joy meshed with sorrow and how the seeming dichotomy is actually harmony when we walk in the Truth.
Because Jesus is my Savior and Lord - I look to Him for meaning in this life, for purpose and vision... I still struggle, but, I get to experience JOY, even abundant joy, in the midst of tears and heartache! Because, I am assured that there is an exquisite masterpiece in the making and I am on a front row seat to God's greatness & supernatural talent of redeeming even the darkest of situations. The PRIVILEDGE of being a child of God!!
at 7:03:00 AM