Skip to main content

Waiting on the masterpiece

It's fall!!! And it's beginning to feel like it too, here in North Texas. Cool evenings & mornings - bright, breezy, sunshiny days... Makes me happy!! (:
I haven't written in some time -- life has a way of slipping past... 
We celebrated 2 birthdays this month... It was harder/sadder this year... It was a 12th and a 3rd birthday... Felt like a milestone of sorts - my oldest thoroughly entering middle childhood, teetering toward young manhood and my baby careening towards big kid status...I think I would've been feeling nostalgic melancholy about these milestones with Cj here too -- our babies are growing up!
Life as I knew it with Cj is rapidly disappearing, we are moving into naturally, new phases of life and I am having to reconcile myself to this fact. 
I think in a way, I was holding into the belief that things would still continue as they had been and we would just be "camping out", not that my life has actually changed permanently... Odd right?? 
This is my 3rd year as a widow and I am just now comprehending the fact that I will forever walk with grief as a companion.

  ::It comes at unexpected moments::

What should have been a fun weekend celebrating my son's 12th birthday was instead an exercise in maintaining a cheerful front. I inwardly anguished over the raw pain in his eyes as he stoically went through the motions of birthday fun. I would find him sitting quietly, staring into space and fighting tears. No words could take the pain away... He is a sad boy, missing his dad every day... And it rips my heart to pieces! 

::"Lord, please bring beauty and healing out of these ashes -- I don't even know what that looks like for these precious, wounded young souls -- but I know that you PROMISED that it will all work for their good and that the work You have started you WILL complete... Give us peace as we wait on you, strengthen our hearts, oh God, strengthen our hearts... We are trying to be of good courage as we wait...thank You that You said joy will come in the morning!"::

As I've grasped this concept of living with grief - I am learning the concept of joy meshed with sorrow and how the seeming dichotomy is actually harmony when we walk in the Truth. 
Because Jesus is my Savior and Lord - I look to Him for meaning in this life, for purpose and vision... I still struggle, but, I get to experience JOY, even abundant joy, in the midst of tears and heartache! Because, I am assured that there is an exquisite masterpiece in the making and I am on a front row seat to God's greatness & supernatural talent of redeeming even the darkest of situations. The PRIVILEDGE of being a child of God!! 

Comments

  1. FlowerLady LorraineOctober 25, 2013 at 11:59 AM

    Bless your hearts! You are a strong woman, being blessed and strengthened by God. Your kids are being blessed too and you all will grow in God's grace and love and peace.

    Your post blessed and encouraged my heart.

    Love and hugs ~ FlowerLady

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Yada,Yadah GirlOctober 25, 2013 at 2:50 PM

    Thank you FlowerLady! You are always encouraging to me - so thankful for the kinship of sisters I've never even met!! (:

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Embracing The Path

"I hate, hate, hate being a widow" I exclaimed, tears trickling down my face into my hair as I lay on my bed, talking on the phone with a friend. "I am 38 years old and I don't know who I am, because my life got turned upside down 6 years ago and I no longer know me.... actually, that isn't true, I do know...", I whispered, "I just don't want it." "I don't want this life and yet I feel like in order to move forward into what God has for me, I need to embrace this truth of who I am - even though I didn't choose it." , my voice broke as I swiped uselessly at the endless trail of silent tears, "I. Didn't. Want. This." I am at a conference  for my company this  holiday weekend  and it has been great! A few days packed full of information, knowledge, laughter, new friends -- and self examination and truths.  This was supposed to be a weekend of business training and yet all I keep hearing is "know who yo...
2 comments
Read more

A 40th Birthday

Cj would have celebrated his 40th birthday yesterday.  No matter how well I think I've prepared for it, acknowledged it... no matter how many times I've been here in the almost 6yrs of walking this path; the anniversaries - birthdays, holidays, our wedding, his death - these days are brutal for me.  It doesn't matter how well I've been doing or how strong I'm feeling in the weeks leading up to them -- there always comes the day when I can't hold it together anymore and the grief comes roaring back to center stage.  I can blame it on exhaustion, stress, sadness of other circumstances around me triggering it, but, the truth of the matter is that I just miss him.  I hate being a widow.  Hate my kids not having a daddy.  Hate missing him so badly it hurts to breathe.  Hate remembering the good times only to awaken to the reality again.  Hate mourning the "what should have been".  Hate walking around choking on tears and drow...
2 comments
Read more

Lessons in the Carribbean

Yesterday was a stepping stone in my grief process, a moment in the healing journey. Grief is such an odd walk, sometimes you expect the triggers - like driving through Tennessee last year - and other times these moments crash on you unexpectedly. Oddly enough, these are the moments that, although they are awful to breathe through - bring such comfort because I KNOW the presence and peace of my Savior as He carries me through the valley, lifts me up out of the waves. Yesterday was one of those unexpected tsunamis that opened my eyes to another facet of healing, growth, and grief that I needed, desperately, to address. It was a perfect day in the Riviera Maya - we were on a girls birthday trip in Tulum, an unexpected blessing, and we decided to try a new activity; paddle-boarding in a bay off the ocean. We headed out early, dashing across mexican traffic to catch the "Collectiva", or local taxi bus. We crowded 6 of us girls into the little bus and hurtled down the road. Upon r...
4 comments
Read more