A friend was visiting the other night for some long overdue "catch-up time" and we were both amazed as we realized this is our family's 3rd school year coming up since Cj died... How did that happen?! I can't believe how the time has passed....
William will be 3 years old in a few months and he is starting to be "aware" that things are different for him... We found a little picture book that I put together in the first months after Cj died -- I was concerned that William not forget his daddy's face. We titled it, "William's Daddy Book".
Well, in our move, it had been packed away and I just recently found it again. Every night William must have his book, he asks, "where's daddy?" He then pours over the pages, laughing, pointing and talking through the pictures. He is so happy when he is done - he gets a huge smile and hugs his book, sometimes kissing Cj's picture good-night.... Tonight he wouldn't go to sleep until I let him hold it in bed with him...
::: Can I just say I've been crying again lately?? :::
My heart is broken again as I laugh & talk with William over each picture and I'm so sad inwardly as I think of what our conversations are going to be as he gets older and tries to understand why his daddy isn't here!!
"God, I know You will be everything he needs -- everything we all need -- I don't question Your love and plan...thank You for that! But, I confess I don't understand why You ask this of me, of my kids... It hurts so very much...I don't feel I can bear it at times"
"So I say, my splendor I gone and all that I had hoped from The Lord..."
My dreams of raising our family, working together to instill values & truths, growing old together and our marriage turning into a treasure as we weathered the storms of life together... I feel like these are all shot to pieces and I'm trying to get a glimpse of a new, hopeful future - so different from my first vision.
"I remember my affliction and my wandering... I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me..."
The dark moments filled with searing agony when I just don't think I'm going to make it anymore... My God, I know You have promised never to forsake me and I know You are here right now - please save me!"
"Yet, this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of The Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:18-24
God is near to the broken hearted, so I'm taking my broken pieces and resting in His arms....