Skip to main content

evening...


I am standing on my balcony tonight, the sky so dark & cloudy you can scarcely see a 100 meters from the boat… wind stirring the dense, muggy air into tolerable breezes, watching the incessant wake of waves as the mammoth ship presses forward…

I have just come from dinner, then a time of listening to a live band sing old jazzy songs and watching couples of an older generation than I, clutch each other close and spin around with eyes closed in delight, happy in just being together. It is sweet, I enjoy seeing married couples enjoying time together. I want to tell them to cherish it, cherish every moment…

As song after song is performed, I find myself a little melancholy as I watch the old couples, obviously with a foundation of years… time… time that I will never have as my own – and I am a bit sad. I find myself talking to God about this and after a bit I get up and leave the couples spinning under the colored lights, laughing at themselves as they falter and trip toes.

I ponder the questions from the previous morning as I gaze into the night and I am struck by words, old and learned as a child, of a hymn with a haunting melody that I have always loved. “…When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot Thou hast caused me to say… it is well, it is well – with my soul…”
My breath catches in my throat as I realize the clarity and honesty of those wrenching lyrics.
My heart goes out to the author as I realize – I know what he is saying and I can truly stand with him and attest to this statement. “…it IS well… it is well, my Lord - - it is well with my soul! Thank You for causing me to see…” I clasp the railing a little tighter and wonder if this night is why the Lord pressed that song into my child heart, so many years ago. I had often wondered how the bereaved man could pen these words when his beloved family had been torn from him… I did not see, I could not see… but tonight -- tonight -- I stand in a similar place as he and stare down at dark, roiling water and claim these words as my own. Thank you Father for causing me to SEE!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Embracing The Path

"I hate, hate, hate being a widow" I exclaimed, tears trickling down my face into my hair as I lay on my bed, talking on the phone with a friend. "I am 38 years old and I don't know who I am, because my life got turned upside down 6 years ago and I no longer know me.... actually, that isn't true, I do know...", I whispered, "I just don't want it." "I don't want this life and yet I feel like in order to move forward into what God has for me, I need to embrace this truth of who I am - even though I didn't choose it." , my voice broke as I swiped uselessly at the endless trail of silent tears, "I. Didn't. Want. This." I am at a conference  for my company this  holiday weekend  and it has been great! A few days packed full of information, knowledge, laughter, new friends -- and self examination and truths.  This was supposed to be a weekend of business training and yet all I keep hearing is "know who yo...
2 comments
Read more

A 40th Birthday

Cj would have celebrated his 40th birthday yesterday.  No matter how well I think I've prepared for it, acknowledged it... no matter how many times I've been here in the almost 6yrs of walking this path; the anniversaries - birthdays, holidays, our wedding, his death - these days are brutal for me.  It doesn't matter how well I've been doing or how strong I'm feeling in the weeks leading up to them -- there always comes the day when I can't hold it together anymore and the grief comes roaring back to center stage.  I can blame it on exhaustion, stress, sadness of other circumstances around me triggering it, but, the truth of the matter is that I just miss him.  I hate being a widow.  Hate my kids not having a daddy.  Hate missing him so badly it hurts to breathe.  Hate remembering the good times only to awaken to the reality again.  Hate mourning the "what should have been".  Hate walking around choking on tears and drow...
2 comments
Read more

Changes... Daring to Change

Have you ever felt like, in life, you were standing at the edge of a precipice about to take a plunge? That weird sense of nauseating excitement and nerves as you wonder what awaits if you dare to take “just a step”? The gut twisting, teeth clenching anxiety as you wonder what awaits... Have you ever stood at a crossroads, turning in slow, dizzying circles as you ponder which path to choose… understanding that whichever route you choose will bring uncertain futures – many good, perhaps many difficult and you try to weigh the costs without truly knowing what price they may require? Life is such a tangle of choices… sometimes I can’t trace the threads back to the one that led me to the point where I am standing now – at a crossroads, on a precipice, peering over the edge, feeling the wind whistle past, my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my throat as I stare at the future looming… As a girl, I handed the reigns of my life over to the One whom my soul loves… my pr...
4 comments
Read more