Friday, September 20, 2013
Is it fall yet??
It's been a rainy day. Gray, cool, wet... And I LOVE it!!
It's like a part of me, a happier part, begins to awaken as the oppressive heat of the summer starts to break and I feel like a weight start to come off my shoulders.
I began to feel "stars of joy" as I contemplate crisp cool mornings, snuggling into jackets as the evenings turn brisk and sipping on a good cup of coffee while enjoying being outdoors again! Oh yay!! :)
Along with this fun stuff is a looming decision to be made on my part -- again!! My kids are (generally) stable and I feel they are making progress in their emotional well-beings and life paths... :::Thank you Jesus:::
As they have begun to blossom and thrive, I feel like I imploded a bit... It was odd - I realized that I had made my kids/my family units'survival my reason for carrying on these past 2 years and as I saw the fruit of my labor take root and begin to flourish... It was as if I got knocked over!! Who am I now? How have I dealt with and worked through my pain, grief, loss... Now that I've helped my precious ones get onto a "straight" path, where am I now left???
Wow! Some soul-searching questions and realities that had to be dealt with and I suddenly found myself awash in pain, tears that wouldn't quit and GRIEF.... How do I GRIEVE the loss of my husband, partner, friend, beloved, confidante, financial counselor, spiritual cohort... My FRIEND, my other half?!
Unto You I lift up my eyes, o You who dwell in the heavens. Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their masters, as the eyes of a maid to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to The Lord our God, until He had mercy on us. Ps 123:1-2
I cried out for mercy the other day as I blew my way through Kleenex boxes and wore sunglasses as I made my way through daily activities... Thank God for truly amazing women in my life who allowed me to FEEL what was happening at that moment and to just be a "woman-who-lost-her-love", instead of the numerous other titles or hats that I wear throughout the day.
For a brief moment, but, it allowed the mercy and grace of God to flood into the sad parts of my soul and do a little healing.
...so thankful for His unending, unchanging, ever present care and deep love for me... And all His children!
My moment of reflection and joy tonight was in my sweet baby boy's little lips on my nose as he gave me 5 kisses good-night then pronounced in his husky little voice, "...I tired, g-night..."
:::God is good::::
at 8:20:00 PM