The Chijioke Life

Yesterday was William's first birthday -- my baby is becoming a big boy!! Where has the time gone?? I can't believe it has been a year already... It was hard yesterday, watching him zip around the house - crawling and walking, us singing happy birthday and all the while wishing that Cj was here to be a part of the celebration... I've often wondered what William thinks about his dad being gone -- it breaks my heart. There have been a few times, earlier on, when I felt that William was actually looking for his dad. Sometimes, at night, he would cry and cry, looking around, as if waiting for his dad to walk in. Of all our babies, William was the most attached to his dad, at this young of an age. He would stay happily with his dad for hours, leaning on his shoulder while Cj worked on his laptop. He was the only one of our babies who would willingly go to his daddy over me! I used to laugh and joke that it wasn't fair because I was the one who did all the "hard work...

I have been struggling the past few weeks with grief and how to deal with it. I've had this odd sense of "numbness" with an underlying tone of irritation, almost anger. I'm tired of being sad, tired of barely staying afloat with homework, housework, etc, tired of being ambushed with an emotional upheaval from minor things! Tired of missing my husband...and it has only been 3 months. **sigh** Today as I was driving, a beautiful and familiar song began playing Our God is, a consuming fire, A burning holy Flame, with glory and freedom Our God is, the only righteous judge, Ruling over us with kindness and wisdom We will keep our eyes on You We will keep our eyes on You Tears filled my eyes as it dawned on me, the answer to all of my inner turmoil "...we will keep our eyes on You..." The "stuff" of life has been crowding back in -- I realized that I have been forgetting where my true strength lies and attempting to get through this on my own. I have be...

Christian turned 10 last tuesday - - it is a big milestone, a decade! Hard to believe my firstborn, my baby is becoming a young man. It was also our first birthday without our Daddy here... so bittersweet We celebrated by going to Medieval Times on Sunday, per Christian's request. My brother, Elijah, flew down for a weekend suprise and he got to come with us as well. First time for all of us - - the kids LOVED it!! It ended up being a fun night, full of laughter and cheering, a great distraction from the daily grind. A little escape from the sadness. I look at Christian, a gangly, growing boy -- full of laughter, thoughts, so many questions, so much pain - - he has taken such a burden onto his shoulders with his dad being gone. I pray for him, that he can just enjoy being a little boy and not attempt to shoulder responsibilities that are not his to carry. My prayer, of blessing and hope and truth, for each of my children, but especially for Christian as we get to celebrate another ...