The Chijioke Life

Sunshine streams through my window, sparkling on the inside of my sunglasses as I sit in my car, I am trying to pour out the emotion that is welling up inside me...before it chokes me or I throw up. I have been bottling it up for several days now, I feel like the top of a pop can that has been shaken and dropped -- about to explode!! Why is it another hard day? I've had a reprieve from tears and overwhelming sadness - just the constant sad longing, the feeling that something -- someone-- is missing from the circle... I can handle that, I'm used to that niggling pain... But this - this choking, pressing weight, this stone in my chest where my heart should be... The impression that it is difficult to breathe... I am trying to lift the corner of this smoggish blanket of depression and failing...Why now? I know why - I've been dreaming again, for three nights in a row. Cj is back and we are a family again. And it feels right -- why would I ever want anyon...

Soothing strains of Enya meander throughout the quiet of my family room - William is napping, kids are at school - I have a few moments of quiet pinned together (: I'm sitting at a table, piled high with papers of "important/non-urgent, important/urgent, urgent/non-important" items to delve into. Yet, I find myself drawn back to my morning devotions, I rushed through them a bit as I was running late for something, but, I remembered my spirit resonating with the verses. What did they say? What did I hear the Spirit whispering into my soul...even now calling me gently to read again and to SEE!! The chirping of cheerful birdies in my backyard seem to second the resounding sound of angelic voices streaming from my speaker - today my heart sings despite my circumstances! I will choose joy!! Tracing my fingers over the ancient, vibrant words... penned so long ago, yet divined for my needs today. "...the Lord your God...went in the way before you to search ou...

Do you ever feel overwhelmed with life choices? The need to decide "which way to go" threaten to take you down? That's where I am right now...a lot of the time actually over the past 18 months. It seems like the "crucial choices" and "crossroad moments", they never end!! Each one will have an impact on my life... on our future... on our lives... each one is big and stressful for various reasons. The reason it is so tumultuous now is that before, I was able to bounce ideas off a trusted source and could garner some sense of direction from hashing things out with my husband. Maybe it was a sort of crutch, having him to talk to about things... Because being on my own, this has forced me into learning to really seek, intentionally ask, for discernment from God alone (through His Word and trusted sources of counsel) -- and I feel so inept at it! Life is busy and constantly moving and I can't just sit down and wait til the writing on the wall app...