The Chijioke Life

"...everything is so different now, I don't like how when I wake up the radio is still on... Dad used to come up every night and turn it off and now every morning I wake up and it is still on... And I just can't get used to it. I miss him so much!", My son spoke slowly, quietly as tears trickled down his cheeks. "...I just can't get used to waking up every morning and he is not there getting breakfast like before...." I sat on a couch across from him clenching a pen in my fingers - "I had no idea that he put such importance on this simple thing, or that it bothered him!!" . I swallowed hard, my heart aching as I watched my sad child struggle to speak the words to his pain. As he told me one evening, "... It hurts to say it... And it hurts not to say it too..." We are coming up to the one year anniversary of Cj's death and I admit I have a difficult time believing people who tell me that "it gets better with time", I...

This has been an emotional weekend for me - rather took me by surprise, but, that is how it usually does... This weekend was Cadence's dance recital weekend, 3 days packed full of hair-dos, make-up, adorable costumes and fun/hectic moments! Cadence was in 3 shows, and as I was getting her ready for the first one, I was struck suddenly by an intense sadness and longing for Cj. The last "big family event" before we went on that vacation last year was Cadie's first dance recital. I remember the flurry of getting ready last time - Cadence was "daddy's little girl" and Cj was a big marshmallow where his baby girl was concerned!! He who always complained about "wasting money on cut flowers that are going to die anyway" , didn't blink at buying his little dancer a bouquet!! (: He was SO proud of her!! He and the boys cheered for her after she danced and afterwards he made sure we took lots of pictures. Those were our last family pictur...

Today would have marked 12 years of marriage between Cj and I... I find myself at somewhat of a loss - I don't know what to do to "honorably and validly" mark this day... It was a day of such joy and excitement 12 years ago, brimming with possibilities and hope for the future! We were just kids, at 21 and 23 - idealistic and naive (: Today, for me, it is filled with sadness and longing... It stands as a reminder of all that I have lost. I find my thoughts are filled with memories from our marriage, good memories... His sleepy, welcoming smile, the expressions on his face, the goofy grin he had when he was teasing, his laugh... I am sad and I am somewhat angry about today and all it reminds me of - an empty aching that will not be filled. It has been almost a year since my husband went home to heaven and I am already having a hard time remembering the "feeling" of Cj, it's like his presence in our lives is drifting further away as we establish new routine...