Today would have marked 12 years of marriage between Cj and I...
I find myself at somewhat of a loss - I don't know what to do to "honorably and validly" mark this day...
It was a day of such joy and excitement 12 years ago, brimming with possibilities and hope for the future! We were just kids, at 21 and 23 - idealistic and naive (:
Today, for me, it is filled with sadness and longing... It stands as a reminder of all that I have lost. I find my thoughts are filled with memories from our marriage, good memories...
His sleepy, welcoming smile, the expressions on his face, the goofy grin he had when he was teasing, his laugh... I am sad and I am somewhat angry about today and all it reminds me of - an empty aching that will not be filled. It has been almost a year since my husband went home to heaven and I am already having a hard time remembering the "feeling" of Cj, it's like his presence in our lives is drifting further away as we establish new routines and habits. I find that I am getting used to the empty expanse in my bed and I can no longer recall, with as much clarity, the way things were before - It makes my heart beat faster with an almost frantic energy as I realize life is moving on...and I'm not sure I want to!!
So what am I to do today to mark this anniversary? I thought maybe I should do something meaningful to us as a couple, but, I can't think of anything that I would want to do by myself, it was about a relationship - an interpersonal communication and fellowship and I no longer have that in a physical person... I think back to moments in our life together -
Our first "official" date - we went out to a movie at the local dollar theater ( we were poor college students!!) and about a quarter way through the movie, he reached over, took my hand and held it the rest of the movie - I remember thinking it felt so right! :P
The night Cj first told me he loved me - I remember staring up at a star-studded sky, wondering what this man saw in me that he would pledge his love to me!! (poor guy! I didn't feel the same way at the time so I totally left him hanging as I replied politely, "thank-you"!! Thankfully Cj didn't let that deter him!)
How when I was a new nurse, working nights in Chicago, Cj would walk me down to my car, hold me close and pray for me before I left for work.
The utter joy on his face and the ear splitting grin as he cradled each of his newborn children in his arms in the delivery room!
Hearing him pray, belt out a praise song or read the bible aloud, in his lilting accent - I loved to pray with him!
The list goes on and on - 11 years of "moments", a turbulent journey of joy, passion, excitement, struggle, confusion, sorrow, depression, forgiveness, growth and happiness as we learned what it meant to be "committed" to each other, even when the going got rough.
We had 11 years together and I feel like it was just "laying our foundation" - we were just beginning to glimpse the "other side" and see what marriage could be if we kept our focus on God and what He wanted to do in us... and now it is gone and I am left here, at times wondering what it was all about, all that hard work...
But, this is where God's glorious grace and my suffering meet!!
So today I will find a way to mark this anniversary -- I know it may be painful, but, that is ok. It hurts because it mattered - what we had was special and I am incredibly thankful for the 11 years of moments, good and bad, that God granted us.
I find myself at somewhat of a loss - I don't know what to do to "honorably and validly" mark this day...
It was a day of such joy and excitement 12 years ago, brimming with possibilities and hope for the future! We were just kids, at 21 and 23 - idealistic and naive (:
Today, for me, it is filled with sadness and longing... It stands as a reminder of all that I have lost. I find my thoughts are filled with memories from our marriage, good memories...
His sleepy, welcoming smile, the expressions on his face, the goofy grin he had when he was teasing, his laugh... I am sad and I am somewhat angry about today and all it reminds me of - an empty aching that will not be filled. It has been almost a year since my husband went home to heaven and I am already having a hard time remembering the "feeling" of Cj, it's like his presence in our lives is drifting further away as we establish new routines and habits. I find that I am getting used to the empty expanse in my bed and I can no longer recall, with as much clarity, the way things were before - It makes my heart beat faster with an almost frantic energy as I realize life is moving on...and I'm not sure I want to!!
So what am I to do today to mark this anniversary? I thought maybe I should do something meaningful to us as a couple, but, I can't think of anything that I would want to do by myself, it was about a relationship - an interpersonal communication and fellowship and I no longer have that in a physical person... I think back to moments in our life together -
Our first "official" date - we went out to a movie at the local dollar theater ( we were poor college students!!) and about a quarter way through the movie, he reached over, took my hand and held it the rest of the movie - I remember thinking it felt so right! :P
The night Cj first told me he loved me - I remember staring up at a star-studded sky, wondering what this man saw in me that he would pledge his love to me!! (poor guy! I didn't feel the same way at the time so I totally left him hanging as I replied politely, "thank-you"!! Thankfully Cj didn't let that deter him!)
How when I was a new nurse, working nights in Chicago, Cj would walk me down to my car, hold me close and pray for me before I left for work.
The utter joy on his face and the ear splitting grin as he cradled each of his newborn children in his arms in the delivery room!
Hearing him pray, belt out a praise song or read the bible aloud, in his lilting accent - I loved to pray with him!
The list goes on and on - 11 years of "moments", a turbulent journey of joy, passion, excitement, struggle, confusion, sorrow, depression, forgiveness, growth and happiness as we learned what it meant to be "committed" to each other, even when the going got rough.
We had 11 years together and I feel like it was just "laying our foundation" - we were just beginning to glimpse the "other side" and see what marriage could be if we kept our focus on God and what He wanted to do in us... and now it is gone and I am left here, at times wondering what it was all about, all that hard work...
But, this is where God's glorious grace and my suffering meet!!
So today I will find a way to mark this anniversary -- I know it may be painful, but, that is ok. It hurts because it mattered - what we had was special and I am incredibly thankful for the 11 years of moments, good and bad, that God granted us.
I thank you Hannah for sharing your heart! God is doing a mighty work in you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI pray for you always and i know that the Lord will never start what he won't be able to finish. Your life so far is really a testimony and i thank God everyday for giving you the strength and grace to move on everyday.
ReplyDeleteI know how many times, i dialed his number unconsciously before i will realise that He's no more and i can't help but wonder how you and the kids are dealing with his absence. I know how my brother loved you and you konw that Love is contagious. W e love you like your husband, our brother and Son would have loved you had it been he's still here with us.
The Lord will continue to bless you and the kids.