My Circle

My Circle

Thursday, June 28, 2012


"...everything is so different now, I don't like how when I wake up the radio is still on... Dad used to come up every night and turn it off and now every morning I wake up and it is still on... And I just can't get used to it. I miss him so much!", My son spoke slowly, quietly as tears trickled down his cheeks."...I just can't get used to waking up every morning and he is not there getting breakfast like before...."

I sat on a couch across from him clenching a pen in my fingers - "I had no idea that he put such importance on this simple thing, or that it bothered him!!". I swallowed hard, my heart aching as I watched my sad child struggle to speak the words to his pain. As he told me one evening, "... It hurts to say it... And it hurts not to say it too..."

We are coming up to the one year anniversary of Cj's death and I admit I have a difficult time believing people who tell me that "it gets better with time", I look at my children and I see a hole looming ever larger as the space their daddy used to fill widens.
He has missed so much already of their lives and I know the missed events are only going to grow in number - this is so hard for me to comprehend and accept!!
William is such a silly toddler now, goofy and strong-willed, he still gets excited and smiles when he sees Cj's pictures. But I can tell he is slightly confused when we tell him, "that's daddy!", he doesn't know what that means... I imagine what Cj and his relationship would have been like now - full of wrestling and laughter!! (:

We had a very sweet fathers day celebration, we wrote love notes on balloons and went to the park to send them to dad. The kids really enjoyed it, but, it was very bittersweet. I saw many sad faces on the outskirts of our laughing and excitement at giving daddy a gift in heaven.
We are heading to the beach this summer, yet another attempt to have some family fun and address our fears of "something bad happening during a vacation"... I'm honestly a bit nervous, but, when I articulate my fears I'm able to answer them with Truth.

Our lives are in God's hands, the days He has for us will be completed and He protects and keeps us continuously. Nothing will happen to us "on accident".
"my times are in Your hand." Psalm 31:15
I still struggle with this though, I believe its mainly because even though I believe this and know God was in control last summer - my poor heart doesn't want to go through another trauma. I shudder to think of losing another loved one. The feeling on that riverbank of being so utterly helpless to save my husband was a horrific experience I truly don't want to go through again.
But God knows my heart and that I am but a "mere mortal" and He has mercy on me! He is a loving and gracious Father who cares for us each and every day. "As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103:13-14
So pray for us in these next few weeks as we take these hurdles one at a time and for safety as we travel.
"Oh how great is Your goodness, which You have laid up for the those who fear You, which You have prepared for those who trust in You in the presence of the sons of men!" Psalm 31:19


  1. Hannah you are an inspiration to us all and such a strong woman and loving mother. You make me proud to call you my friend. I only hope if ever put in your position i could be half the person you are. I love you


  2. Hannah i thank God for because when am reading this and saw this picture and saw Andrew carry cj's picture then i smile and tears start rolling down from my eyes,am happy for you and the kids i feel for you and then too,but i dont have much to say than to look upon the lord to have mercy and see us through.Like i always said God know the best for us.As mortas we are is penful lose love onec like cj my loved brother and your loved husband and loved father to your children.Am writing this with tears but one with God is majority

  3. Hannah -thanks for your honest, vulnerable feelings. You are walking in grace, on day at a time. He is with you and around you, even in your loneliness and heart aches. I cannot imagine your path, but I ache with you and continue to life you up to our Daddy God. May He surprise you with rest and joy as you go on your vacation this summer. Peace be unto you and your children.