The Chijioke Life

This post is going to be a little different than my other ones, I've been asked several times by friends and aquaintances, "what exactly happened to Cj", and it dawned on me that although I have assumed everyone knows what happened; that does not seem to be the case. I decided it is time for me to process that day a bit more so, I'm going to write about that summer day and what happened... this may end up coming in installments as I attempt this. This will be a bit rough and raw... Monday, July 11, 2011 It was a beautiful, summer day in the mountains of Tennessee! We were on a family vacation with my family and Cj's sister who had come to visit us from Nigeria and had traveled with us from Texas. We woke early because we had planned a fun morning of playing at the river, tubing and just playing at the local swimming hole. Cj was so excited, he had just recently been getting into outdoor adventure stuff like this and was thrilled to try his hand at another water sp...

Today, I have been fighting the "blues" all day... Last night, I dreamed that Cj was coming home and I was excited to show him our new room. I woke up realizing that wasn't ever going to happen and it just started my day off on the wrong note... In everything I am doing, every decision or choice I am making, I am unconsciously thinking, "what will Cj say about this... what will he think about this choice..." When I drive onto the toll road I automatically think, "uh-oh, Cj will get grumpy if I run the tolltag up..." then I remember -- again -- that he won't ever care about that and it doesn't matter anymore because I'm the one responsible and paying the bills now. **sigh** The constant reminder of loss is hard... so hard. I have this voice inside of me that keeps repeating, "he's not coming back, Hannah... he's not coming back" Today was a struggle in keeping my hope and focus where it needs to be - - minor irritations b...

This week has been busy, hectic, stressful in many ways, but packed with unexpected blessings! It started off with testing for the kids for school, Andrew was crying the night before, "what if I do badly, answer everything wrong and they kick me out.. or put me back in kindergarten?!" ... my slightly dramatic child! But, as we have fallen off the learning train this summer and with all of the trauma that has occured, I have to admit I was a little worried too! The testing went well, we met some very kind and sensitive people at the school. All the boys were happy at the end and had a "good time"...we haven't heard if they are back in kindergarten yet!! Lol (; The middle part of the week consisted of a couple days away at a local hotel for a mental health/spiritual retreat time for me. The peace and quiet were really good for me, though William kept it from being too quiet! I came home on Thursday to find a delightful surprise, my family and close friends had spe...

I ache for missing my husband, longing for him to be here, to walk through the door and hold me again. Sometimes when I'm lying awake in bed at night, I feel that if I just don't open my eyes and reach out I will feel him there, lying beside me and all will be well again. But, invariably, I open my eyes and his side of the bed is cold and empty... God said that the "two shall become one" - well my other half is gone and I'm walking around off balance with this constant thrum of loss with each beat of my heart, because my partner in life is gone... simply breathing is painful at times. It has now been almost a month since Cj drowned and people say to me, "life goes on, you must move on, you must be strong...I understand how you must be feeling..." or they wonder what is wrong when they see my red rimmed eyes after I've been crying... I take a breath, fight the urge to scream, smile and say I am fine... but the truth is that my heart is weeping -- I am...

"Cj's body is not here...the escort has arrived, but, his body isn't here and we don't know where he is..." This was the dreaded phone call that I received Friday afternoon. My worst nightmare about his transportation to Nigeria was playing out! "...what happened...where is he now...who do I call...Lord God, this can't possibly be happening, right?!", These thoughts and questions whirled through my head as I listened to the anxious voices on two cell phones as I juggled talking to multiple people, trying to assess what had happened, what the airline was saying, what to do next and... where in the world was my husband's body?!! The next few hours were full of high emotion and anxiety as we waited to find out where the airline had left him, why and what was going to happen next... Two days before this we had checked Cj's casket into the airport and entrusted him into the care of the airline (which shall remain nameless!), little did we know t...

As I continue on this journey, I find that it is the little things that are catching me off guard and causing the most pain... I think because I'm not prepared for them. The big things I am ready for and I am able to take a breath and kind of "shore up" my emotional safeguards in preparation. But, the little, unexpected events - like removing the empty soap dish from Cj's sink in our bathroom and realizing that I don't have to fill it again, or when his phone popped up a reminder to change the air filters monthly... these things remind me again of the reality that he is never coming back and waves of grief wash over me and the tears flow... This week has been full of this emotional roller coaster - add to that a fretful and clingy baby who is no longer sleeping at night, stress filled moments/days over Cj's transportation to Nigeria, some anxiety over situations that were out of my control but nevertheless counted as my responsibility and fault, trying to keep...