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Struggles...

I have been really struggling this week, struggling with grief, fear, loss, the feeling that I am expected to be "over this now", the reality that it has only just begun and all the emotions tied up in those issues... I was working hard to remember the verses God had given me, struggling to not be discouraged... I am overwhelmed with the inability to "get a handle on things" -- I feel like just when I'm starting to stand upright, I keep getting my feet knocked out from under me!!

I have not been "resting" lately, I have a thousand items clamoring for my attention and for each thing I get crossed off of my list... it seems like two more get added!! Add to that, my inability to sleep due to working nights and my "circadian rhythm" getting out of whack and it turns me into an exhausted, emotional wreck!!
I worked last night and during the quiet, still hours of the late night/early morning, I felt like I was battling for control of my mind and trying not to succumb to the waves of discouragement flooding my soul -- it is a hard place to be...

"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." Is 26:3

This was the lead verse on my devotions today - do I grasp the reality of this? As long as I keep my focus on Christ, the things of this life will not overwhelm me... oh they are still there and real as ever, but, I can REST in knowing that God is sovereign and walking me through each circumstance and situation.
"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved." Ps 55:22

I then read a verse that stopped me in my tracks, "In quietness and confidence shall be your strength." Is 30:15
Wow!! I don't have to be in a tizzy -- I can accept the peace that my heavenly Father is offering and walk in that... I kinda feel like it is a sort of "denial" and that I should be running on that hamster wheel of worry... BUT, God is telling me that is NOT the case!!

"Be anxious for nothing... let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses ALL understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7

I don't claim to understand this mystery, but I'm thankful for the promises of God, which I can claim as directed to me!!

So, after reading all of this I walked out of my room and realized immediately that God was prepping me!! We have found yet another, much larger, slab leak in another area of my kitchen...
**sigh**
How I wish I wasn't alone in this anymore!! I want my husband, my partner, back to help carry this load...just to talk to!!

I confess this, along with everything else, pushed me over the edge for a couple hours... had to get away (run errands!!) and spend some (more) time crying, praying and venting... so thankful for a Savior who understands my weaknesses (and store clerks who don't question why my eyes are red and swollen)!!

So, for those of you who still read our blog, please be praying for us... we are still struggling daily -- however, the prayers of God's people are sustaining us and we are so very thankful for it!!

Comments

  1. Exposing GriefJanuary 15, 2012 at 5:00 AM

    I think of you often and still continue to pray for your family. I was reading another blog recently she is a mom of 8 who has just been diagnosed with cancer. She has been sharing her journey. She shared something that her pastor had said to her - No matter how deep the pit, Christ is deeper still! What a great truth to hold onto. From reading the blog, I think you're doing amazing. I'm sure many people do think you should be "over it", but surround yourself with people who understand you and that "it" will never really be over, thought the old saying, time heals all wounds, is true to a certain extent. Plus you have the Ultimate Healer in your court.

    Lifting you and your family up before the Father, regularly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Yada,Yadah GirlJanuary 15, 2012 at 10:39 AM

      Thank you Melissa -- you are right, and I appreciate the words of encouragement and the prayer!!

      Delete

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