My Circle

My Circle

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A birthday celebration

Today is Cj's 35th birthday - I keep thinking of what we would have been doing if this were a normal year with a normal birthday... I would have teased him that he was getting old... "Only 5 more years til 40!! Truly hitting middle age... Start looking for those gray hairs!!" Lol, I can see his wry grin now!
I wondered what Cj would be like as an old/older man. I couldn't picture it, because of course, I only knew him as a young guy and everything about him was strong, active and...young. (:
I used to jokingly remark that I didn't think he would be able to handle getting old... He would get too frustrated with having to slow down, to not be a "force to be reckoned with" on the soccer field!!
We celebrated by going to one of our family's favorite restaurants, where we went for Cj's birthday last year... I had the waiter bring out the "birthday brownie sundae" at the end. Funny, the kids didn't devour it like they usually do...
The kiddos decided they wanted to write letters to daddy and we will put them into a scrapbook of memories that we can add to and have for future reminiscing. They were very sweet, yet melancholy letters... I am constantly amazed at the kids' "matter of fact" way of discussing Cj, his death and their deep desire to have saved him, to have him back...
I don't know exactly what I expected, but, I am so thankful they feel free to openly discuss their thoughts and feelings - good and bad!!
We found a couple videos of Cj and watched them together, laughing as we heard his voice again... Bittersweet moments.
I find it difficult to look at pictures of Cj, it brings a "sharpness" back to the ever present pain...I still gasp in shock at the pain of realizing he is never coming back; it takes my breath away each time.
Every moment of every day, every minute of every hour -- I miss my husband, it doesn't get better or easier -- how can it?!!
I smile, I laugh, I carry on, because I must... But, I am constantly reminded of my loss and ACHE to see his dear face again!
With this week being so hard, I have been immensely blessed by a closeness with my heavenly Father. I have felt His loving arms wrapped around me and my children every day. Even as I couldn't control or stop the tears from flowing this week, I knew He was there wiping them off and holding me close. I am SO blessed to be a daughter of the King! So grateful!!
A friend sent me this scripture, it is a verse that I have loved and it was good to read it again today.
Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty Saviour. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." (NLT)

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