My Circle

My Circle
thechijiokelife

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Unfailing Love





8 years ago this was my status. A "weekend away" used to seem so long without Cj, when I didn't know that a "lifetime away" was quickly approaching. Every day is a long day, every night is forever... 

::God, how I miss him::

Facebook memories have been inundating me with old posts, reminding me of a lost time of blissful, ignorant, innocence... depending on the day it seems to mock me. My heart aches as the 5th anniversary looms ahead and I remember the unknowingly, unappreciated joys of 

Making dinner while watching the kids lounging with CJ... 

Laughing as Cadence danced to loud music with her daddy...  

Stifling laughter as Cj and I make eye contact over the boys' heads, listening to another hair brained idea... 

Talking about life and decisions with the man who loved me and wanted the best for our family...

I look at my 5yr old who didn't get to know his daddy and <so> <desperately> wants,  NEEDS to know what it is to be loved and wanted by his dad, to have a man in his life who wants and loves him - unconditionally and completely. Despite his idiosyncrasies and little boy annoyances. I see this hole every. single. day. and my heart screams, "it's not fair, why does he have to suffer this"!!!

:::I'm tired today and my defenses get shaky when I'm exhausted. So the pain seeps out and crawls onto paper and then my computer:::


“How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? Turn and answer me, O Lord my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes…but I trust in Your unfailing love…” Ps 13:2,3,5a
“But You, o Lord, are a shield around me; You are my glory, the One who holds my head high. I cried out to the Lord, and He answered me…” Ps 3:3-4a


Here is my TRUTH when I stare down this dark tunnel that has no end in sight. When I have to take one more step up this mountain. 

I do not understand this plan. At times, I do not see His hand. But, I do trust His heart and I do know Him. I know His unfailing love - therefore I can just lay my head down and cry.

 :::I don't get it Lord, I don't get it. Where is that joy that comes in the morning? Where is the working together for good? It is too much:::

When I am at my end, He seems to do His best work. So I just want to stay in that spot - free falling into His grace. I have to acknowledge that I am incapable of doing this on my own. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I was writing this and choking on emotion - I put on my headphones and hit play. A song I haven't heard, "Enough by Natalie Grant", came on and I have kept it on repeat as the words of my Savior sang over my hurting soul until I could sing along.

Here where the silence speaks
Here in the great unseen
Here when the answer’s out of reach

Here I will brace my heart
Here I will brave the dark
Here find You singing over me
I am known, I am seen
I am carried by the One who won’t forsake me
I am held, I’m not alone
And I know that You will never let me go

Your unfailing love, Your unfailing love
It’s all I have, it’s all I need and it’s enough
Your unfailing love, Your unfailing love
It’s all I have, it’s all I need and it’s enough
It’s all I have, it’s all I need it’s enough

Here I’ll let faith collide
With fear, knowing I will find
You are only good, and only kind
I am known, I am seen
I am carried by the One who won’t forsake me
I am held, I’m not alone

‘Cause I know that You will never let me go
In my weakness you are closest
When I’m heavy and heartbroken
Still You whisper every moment
You are mine when the storm is finally over
And the Heavens are wide open

Still You whisper every moment You are mine

You’re all I have
You’re all I need
You are enough

My middle name is, “Elsie” after my paternal grandmother, an imperfect woman of grace and class - who loved her Lord. The meaning of names are significant to me, so I looked up what Elsie means today. Tears came to my eyes as I read the meaning and the words of this song played in the background. 

Elsie ~ “my God is bountiful. God of plenty. God’s promise.”

“I am praying to You because I know You will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray, show me Your unfailing love in wonderful ways.” Ps 17:6 
“But, I trust in Your unfailing love. I will rejoice because You have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He is good to me.” Ps 13:5-6

His unfailing love surrounds me. He is enough.




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