Getting back to it...

Life is gradually getting back into the swing of things again -- I'm back to work, kids are full swing into school, my numerous house projects are coming to fruition...
I'm glad that things are settling and yet part of me doesn't like this "new life", getting into a new routine means I am accepting that Cj is gone and I'm not sure I want to move on with that!
A huge part of me still waits for him to walk through the door... to approve of all we have done on the house, to play Xbox or basketball with the boys, make breakfast for Cadence every morning like before and to settle William down when he's cranky...
The holidays are looming... I'm not sure of even what to expect emotionally and that is a bit scary. My counselor suggested we work on making new family memories and do new things this holiday season - - we've got a couple things planned and I'm anticipating good things.
Praying that everything works out and that we will all be able to experience some healing as we make some new memories.

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Free falling...

As I continue on this journey, I find that it is the little things that are catching me off guard and causing the most pain... I think because I'm not prepared for them. The big things I am ready for and I am able to take a breath and kind of "shore up" my emotional safeguards in preparation. But, the little, unexpected events - like removing the empty soap dish from Cj's sink in our bathroom and realizing that I don't have to fill it again, or when his phone popped up a reminder to change the air filters monthly... these things remind me again of the reality that he is never coming back and waves of grief wash over me and the tears flow... This week has been full of this emotional roller coaster - add to that a fretful and clingy baby who is no longer sleeping at night, stress filled moments/days over Cj's transportation to Nigeria, some anxiety over situations that were out of my control but nevertheless counted as my responsibility and fault, trying to keep...

Hiding in Jesus

Hiding in Jesus Today was a hard day, I start thinking I am doing okay and then unexpectedly the pain comes... Had a regular check-up for the baby today, and I felt that I was going to be okay, but when I walked into the office, the reality of how much my life is changing hit me and I broke down when the pediatrician walked into the exam room. Also today, I began the process of cleaning out my bedroom, removing a lot of the things that speak so loudly of Cj's presence - as we began pulling stuff out and I saw again how my life is changing, I found myself withdrawing and that now familiar ache spreading... I asked my sister to turn on my ipod and just shuffle my songs. Two songs came on, the first one which I haven't heard for probably 5 years at least! But these two songs were exactly what I needed to hear from my Savior and I was so blessed as His love spread into my hurting heart and again became that "balm of gilead" for me at that moment... I'm going to post a...

Embracing The Path

"I hate, hate, hate being a widow" I exclaimed, tears trickling down my face into my hair as I lay on my bed, talking on the phone with a friend. "I am 38 years old and I don't know who I am, because my life got turned upside down 6 years ago and I no longer know me.... actually, that isn't true, I do know...", I whispered, "I just don't want it." "I don't want this life and yet I feel like in order to move forward into what God has for me, I need to embrace this truth of who I am - even though I didn't choose it." , my voice broke as I swiped uselessly at the endless trail of silent tears, "I. Didn't. Want. This." I am at a conference for my company this holiday weekend and it has been great! A few days packed full of information, knowledge, laughter, new friends -- and self examination and truths. This was supposed to be a weekend of business training and yet all I keep hearing is "know who yo...

The Chijioke Life

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