Getting back to it...

Life is gradually getting back into the swing of things again -- I'm back to work, kids are full swing into school, my numerous house projects are coming to fruition...
I'm glad that things are settling and yet part of me doesn't like this "new life", getting into a new routine means I am accepting that Cj is gone and I'm not sure I want to move on with that!
A huge part of me still waits for him to walk through the door... to approve of all we have done on the house, to play Xbox or basketball with the boys, make breakfast for Cadence every morning like before and to settle William down when he's cranky...
The holidays are looming... I'm not sure of even what to expect emotionally and that is a bit scary. My counselor suggested we work on making new family memories and do new things this holiday season - - we've got a couple things planned and I'm anticipating good things.
Praying that everything works out and that we will all be able to experience some healing as we make some new memories.

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Embracing The Path

"I hate, hate, hate being a widow" I exclaimed, tears trickling down my face into my hair as I lay on my bed, talking on the phone with a friend. "I am 38 years old and I don't know who I am, because my life got turned upside down 6 years ago and I no longer know me.... actually, that isn't true, I do know...", I whispered, "I just don't want it." "I don't want this life and yet I feel like in order to move forward into what God has for me, I need to embrace this truth of who I am - even though I didn't choose it." , my voice broke as I swiped uselessly at the endless trail of silent tears, "I. Didn't. Want. This." I am at a conference for my company this holiday weekend and it has been great! A few days packed full of information, knowledge, laughter, new friends -- and self examination and truths. This was supposed to be a weekend of business training and yet all I keep hearing is "know who yo...

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Yesterday was a stepping stone in my grief process, a moment in the healing journey. Grief is such an odd walk, sometimes you expect the triggers - like driving through Tennessee last year - and other times these moments crash on you unexpectedly. Oddly enough, these are the moments that, although they are awful to breathe through - bring such comfort because I KNOW the presence and peace of my Savior as He carries me through the valley, lifts me up out of the waves. Yesterday was one of those unexpected tsunamis that opened my eyes to another facet of healing, growth, and grief that I needed, desperately, to address. It was a perfect day in the Riviera Maya - we were on a girls birthday trip in Tulum, an unexpected blessing, and we decided to try a new activity; paddle-boarding in a bay off the ocean. We headed out early, dashing across mexican traffic to catch the "Collectiva", or local taxi bus. We crowded 6 of us girls into the little bus and hurtled down the road. Upon r...

finding focus

Sunshine streams through my window, sparkling on the inside of my sunglasses as I sit in my car, I am trying to pour out the emotion that is welling up inside me...before it chokes me or I throw up. I have been bottling it up for several days now, I feel like the top of a pop can that has been shaken and dropped -- about to explode!! Why is it another hard day? I've had a reprieve from tears and overwhelming sadness - just the constant sad longing, the feeling that something -- someone-- is missing from the circle... I can handle that, I'm used to that niggling pain... But this - this choking, pressing weight, this stone in my chest where my heart should be... The impression that it is difficult to breathe... I am trying to lift the corner of this smoggish blanket of depression and failing...Why now? I know why - I've been dreaming again, for three nights in a row. Cj is back and we are a family again. And it feels right -- why would I ever want anyon...

The Chijioke Life

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