one. more. step.

I am sitting in my car, staring out the windshield - it's clean for today because I did dish out the funds to wash it - the inside needs a good scrubbing though.... Not sure when that will occur, that is so far down my triage list it's almost non-existent -- except that every time I drive my car I cringe at the grime. I drive my car a lot. :-/

**sigh**

This isn't how I wanted to live my life -- I hate having a messy car, disorganized house, piles of laundry... To do lists that just keep on adding 2 items for every 1 item I check off.... If I never get a handle on my to-dos, why am I even still trying?? 

::feel like I'm drowning sometimes::

I'm being real today, folks -- this job, this journey is too big -- I'm no good for it -- it's threatening to swallow me up in its loneliness & despair... 

The darkness of fear, pain, grief, loneliness... It is pressing on my horizons and I feel like just laying down and giving up. 

I'm allowing the tears to flow for now, acknowledging the awfulness of All Of This -- I miss Cj with All. My. Heart. 

I cannot believe or fathom that he is gone and I am alone raising 5 fatherless children... 

I hate this, it isn't what was supposed to happen... I'm screaming out that it isn't fair!! It isn't fun being the odd person out in every room of couples, the object of everyone's sad glances and pitying murmurs, the cautionary tale, the project, the STRONG one who amazes others. When people tell me this, I feel that you don't SEE me... I love you for saying this and being loving & supportive -- I completely understand your heart. But, I feel that you don't see ME when you say that... You just see the CHOICE that I make to be strong, to choose to step forward by God's grace, to ignore my crumbling heart, fears and crushing pain... I'm not sure if anyone truly sees me anymore. 

::God, that loneliness is overwhelming::

"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings." (Psalm 61:1-4 NIV)

So today is a dark moment -- it will pass, I know it. I HOPE for it. I trust God to bring me through this storm. Thankful for my faithful prayer warriors who carry me through these dark moments too.

The fact is, I know all too well that I am not alone in these dark moments -- we all have them. This life is so. very. hard. Doesn't always seem worth the effort, but, can I encourage you, my friend, to keep on? As you journey through your stormy path, remember me on mine -- I'm praying for you friend! Praying that God's perfect will be completed in your life. For the strength to lift your foot for one. more. step.  

"...how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? ...how can you say God ignores your rights? Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.

Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:27-29, 31 NLT)

We will press on.