times of refreshing

April was a difficult month for me this year... I had a milestone birthday - 35. This was rough for me, not just because it is HALFWAY TO 70 (!!!).... but, because I am now officially older than Cj ever was in this life...

Just another marker that he is gone and we have to move past that chapter of our lives on this earth. I want to keep him with us so badly, but, that is not possible and it is painful to be reminded of it - again.

During the weeks leading up to April, I was fighting the sadness that was threatening to overwhelm as my birthday approached.

But, God is SO good, you guys!! He knew how painful this birthday was for me and had a sweet surprise in store!!
Rather out of the blue, a friend contacted several of us from an old playgroup/church fellowship and invited us on a girls trip to Cancun!! Wow.... what a delightful blessing!! It worked out that we left the day after my birthday so it worked as a birthday trip too :)

We spent 5 days in the paradise of Cancun, Mexico and thoroughly enjoyed every moment!

What a wonderful time of relaxation and rejuvenating!! Water & nature are so relaxing to me - I feel very "connected" to God and the conversations with Him just flow naturally... soothing & refreshing to my soul!!

I got a LOT browned and enjoyed fun times of fellowship with my sweet girlfriends as we took off our "mom hats" and enjoyed just being girls!! :)

"I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My life makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble and afflicted hear and be glad. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together." Psalm 34: 1-3

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Embracing The Path

"I hate, hate, hate being a widow" I exclaimed, tears trickling down my face into my hair as I lay on my bed, talking on the phone with a friend. "I am 38 years old and I don't know who I am, because my life got turned upside down 6 years ago and I no longer know me.... actually, that isn't true, I do know...", I whispered, "I just don't want it." "I don't want this life and yet I feel like in order to move forward into what God has for me, I need to embrace this truth of who I am - even though I didn't choose it." , my voice broke as I swiped uselessly at the endless trail of silent tears, "I. Didn't. Want. This." I am at a conference for my company this holiday weekend and it has been great! A few days packed full of information, knowledge, laughter, new friends -- and self examination and truths. This was supposed to be a weekend of business training and yet all I keep hearing is "know who yo...

finding focus

Sunshine streams through my window, sparkling on the inside of my sunglasses as I sit in my car, I am trying to pour out the emotion that is welling up inside me...before it chokes me or I throw up. I have been bottling it up for several days now, I feel like the top of a pop can that has been shaken and dropped -- about to explode!! Why is it another hard day? I've had a reprieve from tears and overwhelming sadness - just the constant sad longing, the feeling that something -- someone-- is missing from the circle... I can handle that, I'm used to that niggling pain... But this - this choking, pressing weight, this stone in my chest where my heart should be... The impression that it is difficult to breathe... I am trying to lift the corner of this smoggish blanket of depression and failing...Why now? I know why - I've been dreaming again, for three nights in a row. Cj is back and we are a family again. And it feels right -- why would I ever want anyon...

Lessons in the Carribbean

Yesterday was a stepping stone in my grief process, a moment in the healing journey. Grief is such an odd walk, sometimes you expect the triggers - like driving through Tennessee last year - and other times these moments crash on you unexpectedly. Oddly enough, these are the moments that, although they are awful to breathe through - bring such comfort because I KNOW the presence and peace of my Savior as He carries me through the valley, lifts me up out of the waves. Yesterday was one of those unexpected tsunamis that opened my eyes to another facet of healing, growth, and grief that I needed, desperately, to address. It was a perfect day in the Riviera Maya - we were on a girls birthday trip in Tulum, an unexpected blessing, and we decided to try a new activity; paddle-boarding in a bay off the ocean. We headed out early, dashing across mexican traffic to catch the "Collectiva", or local taxi bus. We crowded 6 of us girls into the little bus and hurtled down the road. Upon r...

The Chijioke Life

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