Trust without borders

       This Friday is a day I don't like to remember... It is the day, the moment, my family's life changed irrevocably and our story became one I would never have chosen for us. 

In a surreal and obscenely benign moment, I lost my husband of 11 years.

Our 5 babies lost their beloved daddy. 

We lost our family head, fearless leader, tireless supporter and visionary. 

I lost my partner and main support, my best friend and love. 

Our entire life came screeching to a halt as our family shattered before my unbelieving eyes... 

{I close my eyes and see the water of that river running ~ unbroken ~ As we desperately searched for a sign of where he was trapped, a head bobbing up, a hand outstretched...but all I could see was the dark, rippling current... }

These past weeks have been very hard, difficult because the memories of that day surge, the emotions, the wracking pain... {the disbelief}... The agony of realizing, again and again, that this wasn't a horrible nightmare from which I could awake. 

This time is hard -- not because I am "remembering Cj" {I have NEVER forgotten him ~ I breathe him, my heart beats his memory}. It is hard because I have to remember the horror of losing him. 

I wrestle with this burden, as the questions want to surge and the "why, God - where WERE You?"... rises like bile acid in my throat.

{I am standing on that riverbank, watching my dreams for life with Cj slip away - fear & panic threatening to overwhelm me. My heart is throbbing and my breath is coming faster and faster - and I am. not. alone. 

I sense I am standing on holy ground as my husband is escorted to another place - to life. 

I drop my head and cry out internally, "oh Lord, You give and You take away - blessed be the name of The Lord"}

The next day as I was seeking solace in the truth of God's words - the words leapt off the page - it was as if God was speaking aloud into my wounded soul. 

"...listen to me [hannah]... I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime... I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you... Do not forget this! Remember the things that I have done in the past... I have said what I would do and I will do it." Isaiah 46

I will not forget what my God has done for me - for us. The sweetness of His presence, the moment by moment throb of His heartbeat as I was carried through each moment and day - fighting to breathe, to just survive. The closeness of His support and the incredible reality of Jesus' love for us. We have been - are being - HELD. In the arms of the almighty God and my precious Savior. His faithfulness and grace are breathtaking!

Thank you for your love, support, prayers and many kind words of encouragement and love. We love you and thank God daily for you!