Skip to main content

Trust without borders

       This Friday is a day I don't like to remember... It is the day, the moment, my family's life changed irrevocably and our story became one I would never have chosen for us. 

In a surreal and obscenely benign moment, I lost my husband of 11 years.

Our 5 babies lost their beloved daddy. 

We lost our family head, fearless leader, tireless supporter and visionary. 

I lost my partner and main support, my best friend and love. 


Our entire life came screeching to a halt as our family shattered before my unbelieving eyes... 

{I close my eyes and see the water of that river running ~ unbroken ~ As we desperately searched for a sign of where he was trapped, a head bobbing up, a hand outstretched...but all I could see was the dark, rippling current... }

These past weeks have been very hard, difficult because the memories of that day surge, the emotions, the wracking pain... {the disbelief}... The agony of realizing, again and again, that this wasn't a horrible nightmare from which I could awake. 

This time is hard -- not because I am "remembering Cj" {I have NEVER forgotten him ~ I breathe him, my heart beats his memory}. It is hard because I have to remember the horror of losing him. 




I wrestle with this burden, as the questions want to surge and the "why, God - where WERE You?"... rises like bile acid in my throat.

{I am standing on that riverbank, watching my dreams for life with Cj slip away - fear & panic threatening to overwhelm me. My heart is throbbing and my breath is coming faster and faster - and I am. not. alone. 
I sense I am standing on holy ground as my husband is escorted to another place - to life. 
I drop my head and cry out internally, "oh Lord, You give and You take away - blessed be the name of The Lord"}



The next day as I was seeking solace in the truth of God's words - the words leapt off the page - it was as if God was speaking aloud into my wounded soul. 




"...listen to me [hannah]... I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime... I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you... Do not forget this! Remember the things that I have done in the past... I have said what I would do and I will do it." Isaiah 46

I will not forget what my God has done for me - for us. The sweetness of His presence, the moment by moment throb of His heartbeat as I was carried through each moment and day - fighting to breathe, to just survive. The closeness of His support and the incredible reality of Jesus' love for us. We have been - are being - HELD. In the arms of the almighty God and my precious Savior. His faithfulness and grace are breathtaking!

Thank you for your love, support, prayers and many kind words of encouragement and love. We love you and thank God daily for you!







Comments

  1. FlowerLady LorraineJuly 9, 2014 at 1:13 PM

    God's continued blessings on you and your family. May you feel His loving comfort especially today.

    Love and hugs ~ FlowerLady

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJuly 9, 2014 at 4:26 PM

    Beautiful testimony. My heart still aches for your whole family. I love your boys. You are doing an amazing job raising them as a single mom. Praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownJuly 9, 2014 at 6:22 PM

    I know I haven't spoken with you since Liberty University. Even though I did not know CJ all that well; I am sorry for your loss. Know that you are loved. Make everyday a blessing for yourself, your kids, and everyone you encounter.

    in His steps,
    ><> Alicia <><

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownJuly 10, 2014 at 6:41 AM

    What a wonderful testimony of Faith and Love. Keep up the great work and trust that God will provide. My family and I will keep you in our prayers.

    God Bless,
    Marcie

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Embracing The Path

"I hate, hate, hate being a widow" I exclaimed, tears trickling down my face into my hair as I lay on my bed, talking on the phone with a friend. "I am 38 years old and I don't know who I am, because my life got turned upside down 6 years ago and I no longer know me.... actually, that isn't true, I do know...", I whispered, "I just don't want it." "I don't want this life and yet I feel like in order to move forward into what God has for me, I need to embrace this truth of who I am - even though I didn't choose it." , my voice broke as I swiped uselessly at the endless trail of silent tears, "I. Didn't. Want. This." I am at a conference  for my company this  holiday weekend  and it has been great! A few days packed full of information, knowledge, laughter, new friends -- and self examination and truths.  This was supposed to be a weekend of business training and yet all I keep hearing is "know who yo...
2 comments
Read more

Lessons in the Carribbean

Yesterday was a stepping stone in my grief process, a moment in the healing journey. Grief is such an odd walk, sometimes you expect the triggers - like driving through Tennessee last year - and other times these moments crash on you unexpectedly. Oddly enough, these are the moments that, although they are awful to breathe through - bring such comfort because I KNOW the presence and peace of my Savior as He carries me through the valley, lifts me up out of the waves. Yesterday was one of those unexpected tsunamis that opened my eyes to another facet of healing, growth, and grief that I needed, desperately, to address. It was a perfect day in the Riviera Maya - we were on a girls birthday trip in Tulum, an unexpected blessing, and we decided to try a new activity; paddle-boarding in a bay off the ocean. We headed out early, dashing across mexican traffic to catch the "Collectiva", or local taxi bus. We crowded 6 of us girls into the little bus and hurtled down the road. Upon r...
4 comments
Read more

Changes... Daring to Change

Have you ever felt like, in life, you were standing at the edge of a precipice about to take a plunge? That weird sense of nauseating excitement and nerves as you wonder what awaits if you dare to take “just a step”? The gut twisting, teeth clenching anxiety as you wonder what awaits... Have you ever stood at a crossroads, turning in slow, dizzying circles as you ponder which path to choose… understanding that whichever route you choose will bring uncertain futures – many good, perhaps many difficult and you try to weigh the costs without truly knowing what price they may require? Life is such a tangle of choices… sometimes I can’t trace the threads back to the one that led me to the point where I am standing now – at a crossroads, on a precipice, peering over the edge, feeling the wind whistle past, my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my throat as I stare at the future looming… As a girl, I handed the reigns of my life over to the One whom my soul loves… my pr...
4 comments
Read more