My Circle

My Circle

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Pursued by Love

I woke to the sound of gentle knocking on my door... "Hey guys, did you sleep past your alarm? What time is your flight?", my friend's husband's (C.), quiet voice filtered through the bedroom door. 

My eyelids snapped open as I came fully awake - taking in the girly beauty of the room I was lying in. A bohemian mixture of patterns decorated the sixth grade girl's room, the sweet clash between little girl and emerging young woman evident in the dollhouse still present in the corner of the room, the elegant chandelier hanging from the room, the lounging couches piled with an array of colorful and comfy pillows and the door of colorful hair bows. I had thoroughly enjoyed the delightful room the past few days as I had spent time with dear friends on a quick trip. 

I gasped out loud with dawning horror, scrambling for my cell phone, rubbing sleep from my eyes and tumbling out of bed, "Oh Lord, my alarm didn't go off -- what time is it?? Six thirty, oh man, I had planned on leaving at 6am!!" 

As my feet hit the floor and I reached for my son who was sleeping soundly on the floor, I had the feeling of being instantly surrounded by peace. Peace that didn't make any sense to me and the situation - my normal response to not meeting my schedule would be all out anxiety and freak out as I tried to figure out "WHAT TO DO". These type of moments bring out the angst of needing/missing my husband and disliking the stress of having to be the situation manager at all times. 

However, as C. calmly asked what he could do to help - the quiet way in which he approached the situation, for me, was a reminder of my Savior's care for me. 

I realized as I brushed my teeth and tossed clothes in suitcases that I had a choice to make. As I slid on my watch and earrings, I let out a slow breath, "Jesus, I love you. I know you always take care of me. You woke me up at this time, I trust that You will work this out." 

::I've got this My love, you needed the extra rest::

"I know, Jesus, I have been truly exhausted. But, I just hope the extra hour of sleep didn't make us miss our plane home!", the night before I had dealt with unexplained building anxiety as I tried to fall asleep. I knew it was related to being physically weary and the subconscious sadness at leaving my known support system and community again. Our massive move across country this summer, though clearly led by God, has been a struggle as we work to find our new community/new normal and the time with old friends had satiated me; causing me to acknowledge just how bankrupt I had become. 

I felt my fears surrendering to His love and quiet Voice in my spirit. As I finished getting ready I began to thank God for allowing us the blessing of this trip, originally business only, but He had unexpectedly poured into me through various loved friends, giving me renewed vision and purpose for both myself and my little family. As I told my girlfriends, "... I just need someone to tell me, yes, you CAN do this! Keep pressing on..." The time spent with trusted confidants had been a balm to my battle worn, single parent soul. 

Zipping up the last of our bags we headed downstairs and with C.'s help, loaded luggage into the rental car. His confident assurance that we would make it in good time was calming to me as my son and I headed off down the dark, wet road. 

As I drove down the quiet roads of an early Saturday morning, my type A mind started running the "what if" scenarios and mentally doing math with my time as I hurriedly refueled the rental car. I could feel the anxiety beginning to clench my stomach again. As I entered the car, I reached for my phone and, as is my learned habit when faced with these moments, I turned on my music. I shuffled my worship playlist and the vehicle's Bluetooth picked up the first strains of a song by Jesus Culture, "Unstoppable Love", filling my car and I realized again the calming presence of the Holy Spirit.  

"Try to stop Your love and You would wage a war. Try to take the very thing You gave Your life for, You would come running. Tear down every wall. All the while You’re shouting, “My Love, you’re worth it all”

God, You pursue me with power and glory
Unstoppable Love that never ends
You’re unrelenting with passion and mercy
Unstoppable Love that never ends..."

The absolute veracity of these powerful, simple words hit me. It was as if the strong arms of my sweet Savior wrapped around me and He smiled into my eyes as He repeated,
:: My love, {You. Are. Worth. It. All.}, I knew you needed more rest and {I. Have. Got. This.} I will care for you. ::

"...You broke into the silence and sang Your song of hope. A melody resounding in the deep of my soul. You have come running, You tore down every wall. All the while you’re shouting, “My Love you’re worth it all”..."

We cruised down that dark toll road, me fighting tears of gratitude, KNOWING, REALIZING, that I am a highly, favored daughter of God. I am a loved woman, a cared for, cherished, chosen bride - desperately loved and wanted by my Savior. I am NEVER alone and no small item of my life has been overlooked by the Lover of my soul. 

I am currently sitting in the window seat of the airplane. We made it. Safely. With more than enough time. An ocean of white gauzy mist with piles of cottony, white billows stretches below us, a sparkling brilliance of blue overhead and I am listening to worship music that speaks the Truth of who I am to the Creator of this beauty. I am pouring out my thoughts on this page as I contemplate the day I will get to see HIM and look into the eyes burning with passion and love for His children - for me! 

{Love. Has. Called. My. Name.}

"You PURSUE me. You don't passively love me or smile benevolently as You come to my aid when You hear me calling out. No, You are actively involved in my life. You speak into my life with what I need, even before I know to ask for it. Lord God, I love You! You are life, You are light breaking through the clouds of my confusion. Here is my heart, Lord, continue to speak truth into my life. I am Your handmaiden. You are all I have."

"...No sin, no shame,
No past, no pain
Can separate me from Your love
No height, no depth,
No fear, no debt
Can separate me from Your love.
God you pursue me with power and glory
Unstoppable Love that never ends
You’re unrelenting with passion and mercy
Unstoppable Love that never ends."

#pursuedbylove #journeyofgrace

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