Skip to main content

Grief...

This grief is a "funny" thing, it takes one completely by surprise at times....shocking in its intensity.
Like today, as I was driving home from dropping the boys off at school, I almost ran off the road when a wave of pain crashed down on me and I was broken.
My sister asked me today, "...what do I miss the most about Cj..."
I miss everything... I miss seeing him, I miss talking to him about what is going on in the world, my life, with the kids...I miss watching the news with him...I miss getting a hug from him as he walked by...I miss seeing him with the kids, I miss hearing him laugh...
I was scrolling through photos on my computer and Cj's face came up, William was on my lap and he instantly lunged towards the screen - grabbing at it and saying over and over "...da-da! da-da!" with a huge grin.
My God... why did my baby have to lose his daddy before he even barely knew him???

The line from a Moby song has been running through my head all day today - "...why does my heart, feel so bad...why does my soul, feel so bad..."

I've said it before, but, God is FAITHFUL!! In the midst of this pain tonight, I opened my devotions and here is the scripture God had for me!

"Lord, all my desire is before You; and my sighing is not hidden from You." Ps 38:9

"Now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Pet 1:6-7

"May our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, and our God and Father, who has loved us and given us everlasting consolation and good hope by grace, comfort your hearts." 2 Thess 2:16-17

My dear friends and family - - please continue to keep us in your prayers!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hiding in Jesus

Hiding in Jesus Today was a hard day, I start thinking I am doing okay and then unexpectedly the pain comes... Had a regular check-up for the baby today, and I felt that I was going to be okay, but when I walked into the office, the reality of how much my life is changing hit me and I broke down when the pediatrician walked into the exam room. Also today, I began the process of cleaning out my bedroom, removing a lot of the things that speak so loudly of Cj's presence - as we began pulling stuff out and I saw again how my life is changing, I found myself withdrawing and that now familiar ache spreading... I asked my sister to turn on my ipod and just shuffle my songs. Two songs came on, the first one which I haven't heard for probably 5 years at least! But these two songs were exactly what I needed to hear from my Savior and I was so blessed as His love spread into my hurting heart and again became that "balm of gilead" for me at that moment... I'm going to post a
Post a Comment
Read more

Free falling...

As I continue on this journey, I find that it is the little things that are catching me off guard and causing the most pain... I think because I'm not prepared for them. The big things I am ready for and I am able to take a breath and kind of "shore up" my emotional safeguards in preparation. But, the little, unexpected events - like removing the empty soap dish from Cj's sink in our bathroom and realizing that I don't have to fill it again, or when his phone popped up a reminder to change the air filters monthly... these things remind me again of the reality that he is never coming back and waves of grief wash over me and the tears flow... This week has been full of this emotional roller coaster - add to that a fretful and clingy baby who is no longer sleeping at night, stress filled moments/days over Cj's transportation to Nigeria, some anxiety over situations that were out of my control but nevertheless counted as my responsibility and fault, trying to keep
Post a Comment
Read more

Changes... Daring to Change

Have you ever felt like, in life, you were standing at the edge of a precipice about to take a plunge? That weird sense of nauseating excitement and nerves as you wonder what awaits if you dare to take “just a step”? The gut twisting, teeth clenching anxiety as you wonder what awaits... Have you ever stood at a crossroads, turning in slow, dizzying circles as you ponder which path to choose… understanding that whichever route you choose will bring uncertain futures – many good, perhaps many difficult and you try to weigh the costs without truly knowing what price they may require? Life is such a tangle of choices… sometimes I can’t trace the threads back to the one that led me to the point where I am standing now – at a crossroads, on a precipice, peering over the edge, feeling the wind whistle past, my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my throat as I stare at the future looming… As a girl, I handed the reigns of my life over to the One whom my soul loves… my pr
4 comments
Read more