Changes... Daring to Change

Have you ever felt like, in life, you were standing at the edge of a precipice about to take a plunge? That weird sense of nauseating excitement and nerves as you wonder what awaits if you dare to take “just a step”? The gut twisting, teeth clenching anxiety as you wonder what awaits...

Have you ever stood at a crossroads, turning in slow, dizzying circles as you ponder which path to choose… understanding that whichever route you choose will bring uncertain futures – many good, perhaps many difficult and you try to weigh the costs without truly knowing what price they may require?

Life is such a tangle of choices… sometimes I can’t trace the threads back to the one that led me to the point where I am standing now – at a crossroads, on a precipice, peering over the edge, feeling the wind whistle past, my heart skips a beat and my breath catches in my throat as I stare at the future looming…

As a girl, I handed the reigns of my life over to the One whom my soul loves… my prayer has always been to be His handmaiden, a glorious vessel to be used and filled by His spirit… for His glory and service. And this journey has been a continuous relinquishing of my rights, my wants, my plans... 

{Through the midst of all the clatter and mess of life – this one choice and truth remains my foundation.}

So, with this in mind, I am choosing to step out and take that leap of faith (or maybe just tumble, lol) as I close my eyes tightly against the fears rushing at me…. 

We were given this life to LIVE it… not to hunker down and hide out until the days pass by and we jump into the arms of Heaven. I am thankful for my husband – that he LIVED and grabbed the opportunities offered him, that he did not take the easy or safe road… Cj was such a rare man, in that he pushed himself to reach greater and higher goals – his aspirations for himself and his family motivated him to get up early, stay up late, work sometime 2-3 jobs, push through the daunting barriers of completing a grueling masters program and certification exams with mind-blowing speed… his professors often commented on his perseverance and dedication. Because of Cj’s determination – he was able to provide for his family even after he was taken from this earth way before we were “ready”.... Do you know how thankful I am for that?? God created an incredible person when He made Cj... and I believe that He was happy with the work Cj completed during his short time of service on this earth. 

As I ponder this, I sense a surge of emotion that is growing – has been building for quite some time – that God is calling me/us to greater things. 

::My life is not over because I was widowed at 32yrs old and left to raise our five babies alone::

I. Want. To. Live. My. Life.

Fully.

 "...Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made strongerIn the presence of my Savior...my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine..." [Oceans, Hillsong]

I want my kids to live their lives… to help them see their God-given potentials and REACH FOR THE STARS. 

I wrestle with how am I showing them this example? I feel that I have been hiding, in a manner of speaking, since Cj died.

Not in all ways – I have been diligent about pushing myself in some aspects. Confronting and working through various fears and situations.

However, I have always known that God created me for extraordinary things… Over the years He has nudged me towards accepting a life that is different in many ways from what others consider “normal”…

Whatever that may be – however that may look - I am praying that God will have a "willing hearted servant" in me and my kiddos.  That I will not be comfortable to live a "safe life", not be okay with biding my time and checking the days off of the calendar. 

I am asking that you would remember us in prayer as we come to mind – we are, again, at a crossroads and I am prayerfully considering which route God is requesting of me – of us as a family unit. Honestly, it scares me to even request this... Oh, the anticipation of new forays and unknown frontiers! Or... the nail-biting tension as is sometimes my case... LOL :)

“Let it not be said of me that I was afraid of living... not that I am never afraid, but, rather that I choose to push through the fear and take a step in faith. For I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of Power, Love and a Sound Mind...” ~hc #thrivingessentially #journeyofgrace