The Chijioke Life

Sunshine streams through my window, sparkling on the inside of my sunglasses as I sit in my car, I am trying to pour out the emotion that is welling up inside me...before it chokes me or I throw up. I have been bottling it up for several days now, I feel like the top of a pop can that has been shaken and dropped -- about to explode!! Why is it another hard day? I've had a reprieve from tears and overwhelming sadness - just the constant sad longing, the feeling that something -- someone-- is missing from the circle... I can handle that, I'm used to that niggling pain... But this - this choking, pressing weight, this stone in my chest where my heart should be... The impression that it is difficult to breathe... I am trying to lift the corner of this smoggish blanket of depression and failing...Why now? I know why - I've been dreaming again, for three nights in a row. Cj is back and we are a family again. And it feels right -- why would I ever want anyon...

Soothing strains of Enya meander throughout the quiet of my family room - William is napping, kids are at school - I have a few moments of quiet pinned together (: I'm sitting at a table, piled high with papers of "important/non-urgent, important/urgent, urgent/non-important" items to delve into. Yet, I find myself drawn back to my morning devotions, I rushed through them a bit as I was running late for something, but, I remembered my spirit resonating with the verses. What did they say? What did I hear the Spirit whispering into my soul...even now calling me gently to read again and to SEE!! The chirping of cheerful birdies in my backyard seem to second the resounding sound of angelic voices streaming from my speaker - today my heart sings despite my circumstances! I will choose joy!! Tracing my fingers over the ancient, vibrant words... penned so long ago, yet divined for my needs today. "...the Lord your God...went in the way before you to search ou...

Do you ever feel overwhelmed with life choices? The need to decide "which way to go" threaten to take you down? That's where I am right now...a lot of the time actually over the past 18 months. It seems like the "crucial choices" and "crossroad moments", they never end!! Each one will have an impact on my life... on our future... on our lives... each one is big and stressful for various reasons. The reason it is so tumultuous now is that before, I was able to bounce ideas off a trusted source and could garner some sense of direction from hashing things out with my husband. Maybe it was a sort of crutch, having him to talk to about things... Because being on my own, this has forced me into learning to really seek, intentionally ask, for discernment from God alone (through His Word and trusted sources of counsel) -- and I feel so inept at it! Life is busy and constantly moving and I can't just sit down and wait til the writing on the wall app...

I find that when I get the chance for quietness and time; I start writing – for good or not so good (: It has pretty much always been this way for me. It is my way to express, to pour out what has been building up inside of me. I think that is why I enjoy these trips alone; in truth it is difficult being on your own when traveling, at least for me. I am not a gregarious person by nature and I have to “force” myself to interact and reach out to strangers. This is partially why I chose the venue that I did – alone when I want it, but scheduled interaction to prod me out of solitary melancholy. And I've met some intriguing people and enjoyed conversations and activity with new friends. But, I’ve had time to finish up old thoughts and work on new ones, which I struggle to communicate clearly here. Today I am peaceful and thankful for the surroundings, which reflect back that harmony to me. Blue, blue water rippling for miles away, the dark shadowy outline of rough coastline to my r...

I am standing on my balcony tonight, the sky so dark & cloudy you can scarcely see a 100 meters from the boat… wind stirring the dense, muggy air into tolerable breezes, watching the incessant wake of waves as the mammoth ship presses forward… I have just come from dinner, then a time of listening to a live band sing old jazzy songs and watching couples of an older generation than I, clutch each other close and spin around with eyes closed in delight, happy in just being together. It is sweet, I enjoy seeing married couples enjoying time together. I want to tell them to cherish it , cherish every moment… As song after song is performed, I find myself a little melancholy as I watch the old couples, obviously with a foundation of years… time… time that I will never have as my own – and I am a bit sad. I find myself talking to God about this and after a bit I get up and leave the couples spinning under the colored lights, laughing at themselves as they falter and trip toes. I p...

I sit here in this bright and beautiful room, overlooking pristine, blue water and the green covered mountains of Jamaica – I am away on my “sanity and solitude” trip and I am reading “1000 Gifts”, given to me by a dear friend who continues to allow the Lord to use her as a vessel of glory. Listening to the stirring melodies of Enya and learning… learning answers to the questions which have plagued me, haunted me. I am thankful – but I didn’t know why – why it is so very important , I just know that I am and I am thankful that You have caused me to SEE , to KNOW and to BE thankful. The gentle list of the huge boat that I call home for 5 nights – filled to the brim with people who are grasping frantically for happiness, to be found in an experience, an entertainment… a swirling drink, another plate of food and a willing dance partner… how is this joy? I sit here surrounded by them and I know it is NOT. I am sad, because I do not know why I KNOW this truth and they do not. Yet, I do...

A sweet, well-meaning friend recently asked me if I was “better now” … and when I answered that it doesn’t “get better” when ones’ husband and daddy dies, she said reassuringly “…well, I’m sure it gets a little better each day, you heal a little every day…” I heard her heart and loved her for what she was trying to say. I just smiled, sadly, because I knew she just didn’t know. The question flitted through my head, “…please put the shoe on your foot for a moment and try to think of your answer to that question…” Why is it that because time has passed it is assumed that one heals? The pain is daily and it is everywhere. When I go to bed it is painful, when I sit alone in church, it is painful. When I see my children hurting, it is painful. When I applaud at a child’s performance and look over to share a proud laugh with their dad and find no one; it is painful…. Every day is full of moments that make me want to cry… But for every pang, every anguished cry, I look at my Savior, ...