My Circle

My Circle

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Walking this road...

My heart is full, the ache is present, but, God's love and presence is strong...words come slowly tonight...
I have been keeping busy - busy with all the things that must be done or attended to, and as long as nothing goes wrong, I'm okay and able to deal with life. But, when I start getting stressed, I internalize for as long as possible and then I just become a mess!!
Yesterday, after a long day of doing "things", at the end of the day I was a trembling shambles of nerves and stress - I decided then that Cj has been gone long enough and I'm ready for him to come home and help me with all of this stuff that must be done...I don't want to do this alone!!
I realize I am using these things, that must be done, as distractions from my grief and loneliness...some distraction is necessary and I'm glad for it. But, after a while I can't pretend or ignore it anymore...
My poor family and close friends have had a front row seat to my pity party and venting... Unfortunately for them, verbalizing my thoughts and feelings is rather therapeutic!! (:
So, I've had a few moments of utter self-pity and wallowing in anguish over the last 2 days.. and then, late yesterday afternoon, I realized that I needed to get my focus back - this morning and last night I made sure to sit down with my bible and do a short quiet time... short because that is all my 5 children allow me!! But, those moments are priceless and precious - God uses these moments to fill me anew and heal some of the raw spots... the ache is still there, it is only normal, but the anguish is soothed. What a friend I have in Jesus!!

Psalm 40: 1-5
"I waited patiently for the LORD; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear and will trust in the LORD.
How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust,
And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood.
Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders which You have done,
And Your thoughts toward us; There is none to compare with You.
If I would declare and speak of them, they would be too numerous to count."

The kids talk about their dad a lot, especially at night when I'm putting them to bed. It is bittersweet, I love hearing them reminisce about him and their memories of times with him, but,it breaks my heart again to see their loss. Sometimes I am fighting tears as we laugh and talk together.
Andrew said last night, "I thought I was going to bury my dad when he was really old and when I was he would die of old age... not when I am just seven...I wish he hadn't died now, this is too early..." and then, with a giggle, "...I have a secret, that I've never told anyone EVER before - - I liked dad, I mean I REALLY liked dad!"
Christian and Justin both exclaimed, "We ALL liked dad, Andrew!!"
Andrew smiled, "...but I liked him the MOST!"
They also have a lot of questions for me, about the accident, about our history.. like last night they wanted to know about how we met and "tell us your dating stories, mom!". Lol! It is good going back over these stories and reminiscing with them, I hope they will remember these stories and cherish them.

Prayer Requests:

1. Continued wisdom with decisions going on and coming up!

2. Smooth and safe travel for Cj's body as he is being transported to Nigeria this next week. This was a hard decision for me, but, Cj always wanted to be buried back home and I am honoring his wish. I know this is an odd prayer request, but, I would hate to be getting calls about his body being lost somewhere in transit!!

3. That I would keep my focus on Jesus and that I would continue to keep my quiet times a priority.

God is so good - I am blessed and humbled to be counted as His child and under His care.
Psalm 40:11 "You, O LORD, will not withhold Your compassion from me;
Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me."

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