My Circle

My Circle
thechijiokelife

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Lessons I have learned...

I believe that God uses circumstances and events in our lives for many things - not the least of which, is to teach us lessons in life... and to reveal more of Himself to us - strengthening our faith as we walk with Him. I was thinking about some of the lessons that I have learned over the past few months...

I have learned that I CAN survive something of which I shuddered to think before...I have learned that the worst can and does happen sometimes -- we really are not immortal or invincible here on this earth... I have learned that we CAN indeed survive a traumatic loss... that God can help us to do this victoriously... not just slogging through mental/emotional breakdowns and despair... but with joy added, triumphant moments and smiles through the tears... where this strength has come from -- I do not even know -- except I DO know!! "...in my weakness, Your strength is made perfect..."

A really huge thing that I have learned is that God CAN and WILL speak to my sweet children -- in the time immediately after Cj's death and leading up to his funeral, my oldest son displayed astonishing anger... towards me and anything that he decided to dislike or had to do with his dad's death. Christian has always been a very gentle, sensitive guy with amazing insight, affectionate, caring and loving to his family and friends. He had never displayed anger towards me or outright defiance, so this was quite a change from his regular self.
Although, I understood what was happening and allowed him as much grace as I could possibly hand out - I had to occasionally put my foot down and require him to obey even when he did not want to... part of this was in requiring him to attend his dad's funeral. After attempting to reason with him, gently pointing out that even though he might not feel like it now, he would regret not being there to show his love for his dad, bribing, explaining, acknowledging his feelings on the matter... all to no avail. He adamantly stated that he wanted NOTHING to do with it, to the point of angry tears. I was dealing with my own acute grief and I simply didn't know what to do anymore -- I told him he HAD to go and that was the end of it!
I was heartbroken... on top of everything else, I did NOT want to be dealing with my son's anger towards me, this was a time when we NEEDED each other and I wanted to be able to be his support on that day, not have him so angry at me that he couldn't even look at me!!
For several days, as we prepared for the funeral service and all the things involved - Christian's attitude and anger continued to grow worse. I prayed and prayed for God to please show me what to do or say to my hurting child... finally, as we were in the funeral service, Christian was sitting in the pew next to me, literally seething with anger... I could feel it radiating in waves from his stiff posture and the way he stared straight ahead.
My heart wept for him, I knew he was just hurting, in complete anguish over losing his daddy... as I prayed quietly, I felt God speak to my heart and say, "...I can speak to even a child... ASK me to speak to Christian..." I was surprised as I realized, I had somewhat assumed that God would have to use ME to speak to Christian... because he was too young...
Feeling a little foolish, I changed my prayer and lifted my son up to his heavenly Father, asking God to please speak to my son and change his heart. A few minutes later, as we stood to sing, Christian reached over and gently took my hand in his... I heard his voice singing along.... and I felt his anger drain away as he relaxed and there was peace!!!

I have learned so many things during the past almost 5 months, I feel like I am living in a new existence - it is strange and foreign, we are still stumbling along, feeling our way, but I have seen that at every turn, at every crossroads... God is there, answering my cries and attending to our needs. I am blown away by His amazing love and tender care - some days I just sit with Him and feel His arms, cradling me and carrying me through this storm.

"I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because He bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!" Psalm 116: 1-2

"I would seek unto God, and unto God would I commit my cause..." Job 5:8

2 comments:

  1. My eyes are red and puffy after reading this, Hannah. What an amazing testimony you have. I admire your love, strength, will to survive, and faith. You are an inspiration. Your children are blessed.

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  2. I completely echo everything cornflakegirl74 says! Thank you so much for sharing these stories, they are such a powerful testimony!

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