The Chijioke Life

"...everything is so different now, I don't like how when I wake up the radio is still on... Dad used to come up every night and turn it off and now every morning I wake up and it is still on... And I just can't get used to it. I miss him so much!", My son spoke slowly, quietly as tears trickled down his cheeks. "...I just can't get used to waking up every morning and he is not there getting breakfast like before...." I sat on a couch across from him clenching a pen in my fingers - "I had no idea that he put such importance on this simple thing, or that it bothered him!!" . I swallowed hard, my heart aching as I watched my sad child struggle to speak the words to his pain. As he told me one evening, "... It hurts to say it... And it hurts not to say it too..." We are coming up to the one year anniversary of Cj's death and I admit I have a difficult time believing people who tell me that "it gets better with time", I...

This has been an emotional weekend for me - rather took me by surprise, but, that is how it usually does... This weekend was Cadence's dance recital weekend, 3 days packed full of hair-dos, make-up, adorable costumes and fun/hectic moments! Cadence was in 3 shows, and as I was getting her ready for the first one, I was struck suddenly by an intense sadness and longing for Cj. The last "big family event" before we went on that vacation last year was Cadie's first dance recital. I remember the flurry of getting ready last time - Cadence was "daddy's little girl" and Cj was a big marshmallow where his baby girl was concerned!! He who always complained about "wasting money on cut flowers that are going to die anyway" , didn't blink at buying his little dancer a bouquet!! (: He was SO proud of her!! He and the boys cheered for her after she danced and afterwards he made sure we took lots of pictures. Those were our last family pictur...

Today would have marked 12 years of marriage between Cj and I... I find myself at somewhat of a loss - I don't know what to do to "honorably and validly" mark this day... It was a day of such joy and excitement 12 years ago, brimming with possibilities and hope for the future! We were just kids, at 21 and 23 - idealistic and naive (: Today, for me, it is filled with sadness and longing... It stands as a reminder of all that I have lost. I find my thoughts are filled with memories from our marriage, good memories... His sleepy, welcoming smile, the expressions on his face, the goofy grin he had when he was teasing, his laugh... I am sad and I am somewhat angry about today and all it reminds me of - an empty aching that will not be filled. It has been almost a year since my husband went home to heaven and I am already having a hard time remembering the "feeling" of Cj, it's like his presence in our lives is drifting further away as we establish new routine...

Looking back I can clearly see how the Lord was preparing me for Cj's death - - months beforehand! Little things that I overlooked or labeled as "coincidence", now jump out at me, showing just how much care God took in preparing me, as only He knew I needed, for this road that I was to take. One of those things was a certain song, "Can I Lie Here" by the David Crowder Band, which I heard a few weeks before Cj died. I had my iPod playing one day as I was driving and it came on and I was struck by the presence of God and felt like He was pointing this specific song out to me. I listened to it several times over, something about it intrigued and it resonated deep within my soul - though I couldn't figure out why... It seemed to speak from the depths of the soul, from one who has gone through much and knows the truth of those words. At the time I remember wondering why God was impressing this song upon me, I didn't have any intense struggles going on at ...

It has been a busy, busy couple of weeks! We are careening towards the end of the school year, only a couple more weeks left. A lot has gone on and a multitude of decisions and choices have been worked through in preparation for the next school year, I'm at peace with these decisions and know God is leading and has great plans for us. He will swallow up death forever, and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces... Isaiah 25:8 Sorrow and sighing shall flee away. Isaiah 35:10 ...for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended. Isaiah 60:20 These verses have been a comfort to me over the past days. At times, it seems like the sadness is overwhelming and I feel like I can no longer cope with the stress, chaos, pending decisions and burden of grief. That is when the truths of God and His incredible love for me and my kids holds me up and carries me along until I can stand again. So thankful that I am a child of God! One of th...

Have you ever felt like you knew what God was telling you to do something...that He had essentially confirmed it, and then when the details become clear you have a, "seriously, God -- are-you-SURE-about-this-moment"? This is where I was at the past week... I'm pretty sure God didn't allow details to be made clear beforehand so that I wouldn't duck and run, He knew I had to be committed to His plan first! Lol (: So I was at that "freak out moment" and I asked God to please clarify again...because my heart is willing and my desire is to walk in the center of His will for our lives... I just want to be sure I'm on the right path! Let me just encourage any of you who feel like you struggle with walking the daily road and feel like you are going over the same things again and again... God is so kind and merciful to speak to us when we ask and to encourage us again in our walk! This was the first verse I saw when I opened my morning devotions! Incred...

God has been showing me some things lately, re-teaching me in all honesty. A lot of things have been happening in our lives - surgeries, more house disasters, work situations, etc. And a lot of changes have been and are occurring as a result... I don't necessarily like a lot of upheaval in my life and I have been having some sleepless nights and stressful days - where I oftentimes felt like running away... far away!! So many crossroads are before me now and I am attempting to navigate these turns while continuing to stay in the center of Gods will for me and my kids. Trying to hear God's voice and His leading in the midst of the cacophony of chaos and continuing work of grieving which is my life right now... Pros and cons, benefits and downfalls, short term, long term... What's coming around the bend?? How did Cj, as the leader of our home, hear and know what God was telling us to do?? How did he make decisions, such as job changes, career changes, moving homes, etc. which ...