The Chijioke Life

We have a WHITE CHRISTMAS!!! That may not be a big deal in many areas of the country/world - but, here in North Texas, this is a BIG deal!!! Seeing as we didn't even get a snowflake last winter, to have "stickable" snow on CHRISTMAS DAY is the epitome of a christmas miracle!! Lol! We were all so excited as the freezing rain of the morning started changing to fat, white snowflakes.... that combined with the twinkling lights of our christmas decor and enjoying being in our new home - today was God's special gift to me! (: We had a lovely, quieter family Christmas this year - just us - and it was nice. Feel like I'm "starting" to get a bit of a foothold on new traditions and routines that I want to put in place for my family. Love the quiet evenings once the kids go to bed - been able to have a few moments (tagged together!!) for reflection and peace. I am so thankful for these times. I feel like the over-riding theme of what God has been speaking into...

"Don't know where to begin Its like my world's caving in And I try but I can't control my fear Where do I go from here? sometimes its so hard to pray When You feel so far away But I am willing to go Where you want me to God, I trust You There's a raging sea Right in front of me Wants to pull me in Bring me to my knees So let the waters rise If You want them to I will follow You I will swim in the deep 'Cuz You'll be next to me You're in the eye of the storm And the calm of the sea You're never out of reach God, You know where I've been You were there with me then You were faithful before You'll be faithful again I'm holding Your hand There's a raging sea Right in front of me Wants to pull me in Bring me to my knees So let the waters rise If You want them to I will follow You God Your love is enough You will pull me through I'm holding onto You" I'm sitting in my car, in a home ...

Wow! It has been an eventful couple of weeks... We had a delightful time at the beach. What a relaxing, rejuvenating & healing time!! It was a big event for us as it felt like a "repeat" of what we had done last year when everything fell apart. "A planned family summer vacation, renting a house, at the water for fun..." Like I mentioned in my last post I have struggled this year with fear when involved in recreational activities. Every time we planned something I would have to fight a panicky feeling that I might lose one of my kids or another family member, every time I heard someone call out my name I would have a "moment" where I instantly was transported back to that awful split second when my brother shouted for help and I knew that something was horribly, terribly wrong... And then, of course, we were right on the beach, steps from a huge body of water that wouldn't hesitate (in my terrified mind) to sweep one of my loved ones away despite...

"...everything is so different now, I don't like how when I wake up the radio is still on... Dad used to come up every night and turn it off and now every morning I wake up and it is still on... And I just can't get used to it. I miss him so much!", My son spoke slowly, quietly as tears trickled down his cheeks. "...I just can't get used to waking up every morning and he is not there getting breakfast like before...." I sat on a couch across from him clenching a pen in my fingers - "I had no idea that he put such importance on this simple thing, or that it bothered him!!" . I swallowed hard, my heart aching as I watched my sad child struggle to speak the words to his pain. As he told me one evening, "... It hurts to say it... And it hurts not to say it too..." We are coming up to the one year anniversary of Cj's death and I admit I have a difficult time believing people who tell me that "it gets better with time", I...

This has been an emotional weekend for me - rather took me by surprise, but, that is how it usually does... This weekend was Cadence's dance recital weekend, 3 days packed full of hair-dos, make-up, adorable costumes and fun/hectic moments! Cadence was in 3 shows, and as I was getting her ready for the first one, I was struck suddenly by an intense sadness and longing for Cj. The last "big family event" before we went on that vacation last year was Cadie's first dance recital. I remember the flurry of getting ready last time - Cadence was "daddy's little girl" and Cj was a big marshmallow where his baby girl was concerned!! He who always complained about "wasting money on cut flowers that are going to die anyway" , didn't blink at buying his little dancer a bouquet!! (: He was SO proud of her!! He and the boys cheered for her after she danced and afterwards he made sure we took lots of pictures. Those were our last family pictur...

Today would have marked 12 years of marriage between Cj and I... I find myself at somewhat of a loss - I don't know what to do to "honorably and validly" mark this day... It was a day of such joy and excitement 12 years ago, brimming with possibilities and hope for the future! We were just kids, at 21 and 23 - idealistic and naive (: Today, for me, it is filled with sadness and longing... It stands as a reminder of all that I have lost. I find my thoughts are filled with memories from our marriage, good memories... His sleepy, welcoming smile, the expressions on his face, the goofy grin he had when he was teasing, his laugh... I am sad and I am somewhat angry about today and all it reminds me of - an empty aching that will not be filled. It has been almost a year since my husband went home to heaven and I am already having a hard time remembering the "feeling" of Cj, it's like his presence in our lives is drifting further away as we establish new routine...

Looking back I can clearly see how the Lord was preparing me for Cj's death - - months beforehand! Little things that I overlooked or labeled as "coincidence", now jump out at me, showing just how much care God took in preparing me, as only He knew I needed, for this road that I was to take. One of those things was a certain song, "Can I Lie Here" by the David Crowder Band, which I heard a few weeks before Cj died. I had my iPod playing one day as I was driving and it came on and I was struck by the presence of God and felt like He was pointing this specific song out to me. I listened to it several times over, something about it intrigued and it resonated deep within my soul - though I couldn't figure out why... It seemed to speak from the depths of the soul, from one who has gone through much and knows the truth of those words. At the time I remember wondering why God was impressing this song upon me, I didn't have any intense struggles going on at ...