The Chijioke Life

"I hate, hate, hate being a widow" I exclaimed, tears trickling down my face into my hair as I lay on my bed, talking on the phone with a friend. "I am 38 years old and I don't know who I am, because my life got turned upside down 6 years ago and I no longer know me.... actually, that isn't true, I do know...", I whispered, "I just don't want it." "I don't want this life and yet I feel like in order to move forward into what God has for me, I need to embrace this truth of who I am - even though I didn't choose it." , my voice broke as I swiped uselessly at the endless trail of silent tears, "I. Didn't. Want. This." I am at a conference  for my company this  holiday weekend  and it has been great! A few days packed full of information, knowledge, laughter, new friends -- and self examination and truths.  This was supposed to be a weekend of business training and yet all I keep hearing is "know who yo...

6 years today...  😓 With the passage of time, the reality of your absence has only sharpened and I ache for missing you... every. single. day.  💔   I miss your face, the sound of your voice, your laughter and joy in life, the late night conversations, the feel of your hand in mine, your presence in our family, your interaction with our kids, your strength and hardworking commitment to our family and our  future. Even though I still feel as if I'm missing half of me, I make sure we choose every day, by God's grace, to move forward and thrive as we walk/crawl/are carried on this journey without you. As we choose joy and life and no matter how my heart grows as I embrace the future, you will always have my heart and love. I. Miss. You. Your, Kpakpando Nkem (For my non-Igbo friends, this means " my shining star". Cj had this inscribed inside n my wedding ring before we married) #journeyofgrace   #choosingjoy   #choosingtothrive #widow   #widowlife ...

Cj would have celebrated his 40th birthday yesterday.  No matter how well I think I've prepared for it, acknowledged it... no matter how many times I've been here in the almost 6yrs of walking this path; the anniversaries - birthdays, holidays, our wedding, his death - these days are brutal for me.  It doesn't matter how well I've been doing or how strong I'm feeling in the weeks leading up to them -- there always comes the day when I can't hold it together anymore and the grief comes roaring back to center stage.  I can blame it on exhaustion, stress, sadness of other circumstances around me triggering it, but, the truth of the matter is that I just miss him.  I hate being a widow.  Hate my kids not having a daddy.  Hate missing him so badly it hurts to breathe.  Hate remembering the good times only to awaken to the reality again.  Hate mourning the "what should have been".  Hate walking around choking on tears and drow...

"But, mom, you can't promise me that nothing bad will happen! I don't want to go!!", tears trickled down my 9yr old daughter's cheeks as she wrapped her arms tightly around herself and stared up at me desperately. We were standing in the center of the canoe/kayak office. A crowd of laughing, chatting people moved around us, heading through the open garage doors to the big, yellow bus waiting to take us to our drop off point. It was the 4th of July and we had decided to get outdoors and try our family hand at canoeing. It was another first for us, several of the kids had already mentioned the "what if" thought that always run through our minds when we gear up for what should be a fun activity -- but for us brings back memories of packing up for another fun summer day. As we packed the car that morning, drove into the beat up parking lot, lush greenery waving around us in the sunshine and warm breeze, I could hear the echoes of the day we did all of the ...

8 years ago this was my status. A "weekend away" used to seem so long without Cj, when I didn't know that a "lifetime away" was quickly approaching. Every day is a long day, every night is forever...  ::God, how I miss him:: Facebook memories have been inundating me with old posts, reminding me of a lost time of blissful, ignorant, innocence... depending on the day it seems to mock me. My heart aches as the 5th anniversary looms ahead and I remember the unknowingly, unappreciated joys of  Making dinner while watching the kids lounging with CJ...   Laughing as Cadence danced to loud music with her daddy...    Stifling laughter as Cj and I make eye contact over the boys' heads, listening to another hair brained idea...   Talking about life and decisions with the man who loved me and wanted the best for our family... I look at my 5yr old who didn't get to know his daddy and <so> <desperately> wants,  NEEDS t...

Yesterday was a stepping stone in my grief process, a moment in the healing journey. Grief is such an odd walk, sometimes you expect the triggers - like driving through Tennessee last year - and other times these moments crash on you unexpectedly. Oddly enough, these are the moments that, although they are awful to breathe through - bring such comfort because I KNOW the presence and peace of my Savior as He carries me through the valley, lifts me up out of the waves. Yesterday was one of those unexpected tsunamis that opened my eyes to another facet of healing, growth, and grief that I needed, desperately, to address. It was a perfect day in the Riviera Maya - we were on a girls birthday trip in Tulum, an unexpected blessing, and we decided to try a new activity; paddle-boarding in a bay off the ocean. We headed out early, dashing across mexican traffic to catch the "Collectiva", or local taxi bus. We crowded 6 of us girls into the little bus and hurtled down the road. Upon r...

I'm sitting on an airplane again.... Raindrops trickling down the windowpane as we sit on the runway. We have been delayed due to severe storms, sitting here for almost an hour. I've made good use of the time, studying and listening to business training, but, I reached a moment of overload as idea after idea and budding hopes swirled in my head; each trying to take shape. I closed my books and turned on my music, resting my head on the blue, pleather headrest.  "Lord, I have such vision -- it's almost hard for me to believe it for myself, for my family, for my team... Yet, I know You made me with this desire for more, this passion burning in my chest to help others find their inner flame and reach their dreams - to live to the highest potential You have called us towards. But, if I'm honest, I'm scared! Like, "mouth dry-can't swallow-butterflies in my stomach" scared - all those what ifs. But, I'm learning to turn that volume off and i...

I woke to the sound of gentle knocking on my door... "Hey guys, did you sleep past your alarm? What time is your flight? ", my friend's husband's (C.), quiet voice filtered through the bedroom door.  My eyelids snapped open as I came fully awake - taking in the girly beauty of the room I was lying in. A bohemian mixture of patterns decorated the sixth grade girl's room, the sweet clash between little girl and emerging young woman evident in the dollhouse still present in the corner of the room, the elegant chandelier hanging from the room, the lounging couches piled with an array of colorful and comfy pillows and the door of colorful hair bows. I had thoroughly enjoyed the delightful room the past few days as I had spent time with dear friends on a quick trip.  I gasped out loud with dawning horror, scrambling for my cell phone, rubbing sleep from my eyes and tumbling out of bed, "Oh Lord, my alarm didn't go off -- what time is it?? Six thirty, oh man, I...

My new house {felt. like. home.} for the first time this past weekend... I was turning off lights after tucking in 9 kids (my nieces/nephew were spending the night), the house was quiet as they all nodded off to sleep quickly and I was smiling to myself as I remembered the laughter and conversation with family and new friends that had taken place, at my table, over food prepared in my kitchen. I paused in my rounds of locking doors, pushing errant chairs up to tables and thanked God for the moment.  ::Hello, My love... I see your fears and know your troubled, weary heart. Rest with me here, take courage, I am with you. I have called you, you are My very own. I have great plans for you, daughter:: We've been in Delaware for some time, but, I only found and closed on our new house in September. We've been here for a couple weeks now. Although I was delighted to finally be IN our new house - the piled boxes, figuring out new utilities/services, waiting on contractors,...

"Today was the day I said good-bye to you, you are worn and look a bit weary...  I don't think I've untied your laces in over a year and there are a myriad of little strings sticking out here and there...  I thought I'd just be happy, to retire you, to mark this as {my. last. day.} But, I paused as I started to turn away,  "..take time" , a quiet Voice whispered.  ::And so, I stood there, in the dark of the night, and I remembered::   You had only one job description, "work shoes".  NEVER  to be confused with "workout shoes", "home shoes" or "play shoes". You have always been, "work ONLY shoes".  ::And, as such, you have faithfully carried me on my work journey::   The cold, dark mornings... where the wind nipped at my nose and I clutched the hot coffee cup a little tighter as I jogged to the brightly, lit door.  Or the balmy, muggy, summer skies as the sun lazily stretched over...