The Chijioke Life

We have a WHITE CHRISTMAS!!! That may not be a big deal in many areas of the country/world - but, here in North Texas, this is a BIG deal!!! Seeing as we didn't even get a snowflake last winter, to have "stickable" snow on CHRISTMAS DAY is the epitome of a christmas miracle!! Lol! We were all so excited as the freezing rain of the morning started changing to fat, white snowflakes.... that combined with the twinkling lights of our christmas decor and enjoying being in our new home - today was God's special gift to me! (: We had a lovely, quieter family Christmas this year - just us - and it was nice. Feel like I'm "starting" to get a bit of a foothold on new traditions and routines that I want to put in place for my family. Love the quiet evenings once the kids go to bed - been able to have a few moments (tagged together!!) for reflection and peace. I am so thankful for these times. I feel like the over-riding theme of what God has been speaking into...

"Don't know where to begin Its like my world's caving in And I try but I can't control my fear Where do I go from here? sometimes its so hard to pray When You feel so far away But I am willing to go Where you want me to God, I trust You There's a raging sea Right in front of me Wants to pull me in Bring me to my knees So let the waters rise If You want them to I will follow You I will swim in the deep 'Cuz You'll be next to me You're in the eye of the storm And the calm of the sea You're never out of reach God, You know where I've been You were there with me then You were faithful before You'll be faithful again I'm holding Your hand There's a raging sea Right in front of me Wants to pull me in Bring me to my knees So let the waters rise If You want them to I will follow You God Your love is enough You will pull me through I'm holding onto You" I'm sitting in my car, in a home ...

Wow! It has been an eventful couple of weeks... We had a delightful time at the beach. What a relaxing, rejuvenating & healing time!! It was a big event for us as it felt like a "repeat" of what we had done last year when everything fell apart. "A planned family summer vacation, renting a house, at the water for fun..." Like I mentioned in my last post I have struggled this year with fear when involved in recreational activities. Every time we planned something I would have to fight a panicky feeling that I might lose one of my kids or another family member, every time I heard someone call out my name I would have a "moment" where I instantly was transported back to that awful split second when my brother shouted for help and I knew that something was horribly, terribly wrong... And then, of course, we were right on the beach, steps from a huge body of water that wouldn't hesitate (in my terrified mind) to sweep one of my loved ones away despite...

"...everything is so different now, I don't like how when I wake up the radio is still on... Dad used to come up every night and turn it off and now every morning I wake up and it is still on... And I just can't get used to it. I miss him so much!", My son spoke slowly, quietly as tears trickled down his cheeks. "...I just can't get used to waking up every morning and he is not there getting breakfast like before...." I sat on a couch across from him clenching a pen in my fingers - "I had no idea that he put such importance on this simple thing, or that it bothered him!!" . I swallowed hard, my heart aching as I watched my sad child struggle to speak the words to his pain. As he told me one evening, "... It hurts to say it... And it hurts not to say it too..." We are coming up to the one year anniversary of Cj's death and I admit I have a difficult time believing people who tell me that "it gets better with time", I...

This has been an emotional weekend for me - rather took me by surprise, but, that is how it usually does... This weekend was Cadence's dance recital weekend, 3 days packed full of hair-dos, make-up, adorable costumes and fun/hectic moments! Cadence was in 3 shows, and as I was getting her ready for the first one, I was struck suddenly by an intense sadness and longing for Cj. The last "big family event" before we went on that vacation last year was Cadie's first dance recital. I remember the flurry of getting ready last time - Cadence was "daddy's little girl" and Cj was a big marshmallow where his baby girl was concerned!! He who always complained about "wasting money on cut flowers that are going to die anyway" , didn't blink at buying his little dancer a bouquet!! (: He was SO proud of her!! He and the boys cheered for her after she danced and afterwards he made sure we took lots of pictures. Those were our last family pictur...

Today would have marked 12 years of marriage between Cj and I... I find myself at somewhat of a loss - I don't know what to do to "honorably and validly" mark this day... It was a day of such joy and excitement 12 years ago, brimming with possibilities and hope for the future! We were just kids, at 21 and 23 - idealistic and naive (: Today, for me, it is filled with sadness and longing... It stands as a reminder of all that I have lost. I find my thoughts are filled with memories from our marriage, good memories... His sleepy, welcoming smile, the expressions on his face, the goofy grin he had when he was teasing, his laugh... I am sad and I am somewhat angry about today and all it reminds me of - an empty aching that will not be filled. It has been almost a year since my husband went home to heaven and I am already having a hard time remembering the "feeling" of Cj, it's like his presence in our lives is drifting further away as we establish new routine...

Looking back I can clearly see how the Lord was preparing me for Cj's death - - months beforehand! Little things that I overlooked or labeled as "coincidence", now jump out at me, showing just how much care God took in preparing me, as only He knew I needed, for this road that I was to take. One of those things was a certain song, "Can I Lie Here" by the David Crowder Band, which I heard a few weeks before Cj died. I had my iPod playing one day as I was driving and it came on and I was struck by the presence of God and felt like He was pointing this specific song out to me. I listened to it several times over, something about it intrigued and it resonated deep within my soul - though I couldn't figure out why... It seemed to speak from the depths of the soul, from one who has gone through much and knows the truth of those words. At the time I remember wondering why God was impressing this song upon me, I didn't have any intense struggles going on at ...

It has been a busy, busy couple of weeks! We are careening towards the end of the school year, only a couple more weeks left. A lot has gone on and a multitude of decisions and choices have been worked through in preparation for the next school year, I'm at peace with these decisions and know God is leading and has great plans for us. He will swallow up death forever, and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces... Isaiah 25:8 Sorrow and sighing shall flee away. Isaiah 35:10 ...for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended. Isaiah 60:20 These verses have been a comfort to me over the past days. At times, it seems like the sadness is overwhelming and I feel like I can no longer cope with the stress, chaos, pending decisions and burden of grief. That is when the truths of God and His incredible love for me and my kids holds me up and carries me along until I can stand again. So thankful that I am a child of God! One of th...

Have you ever felt like you knew what God was telling you to do something...that He had essentially confirmed it, and then when the details become clear you have a, "seriously, God -- are-you-SURE-about-this-moment"? This is where I was at the past week... I'm pretty sure God didn't allow details to be made clear beforehand so that I wouldn't duck and run, He knew I had to be committed to His plan first! Lol (: So I was at that "freak out moment" and I asked God to please clarify again...because my heart is willing and my desire is to walk in the center of His will for our lives... I just want to be sure I'm on the right path! Let me just encourage any of you who feel like you struggle with walking the daily road and feel like you are going over the same things again and again... God is so kind and merciful to speak to us when we ask and to encourage us again in our walk! This was the first verse I saw when I opened my morning devotions! Incred...

God has been showing me some things lately, re-teaching me in all honesty. A lot of things have been happening in our lives - surgeries, more house disasters, work situations, etc. And a lot of changes have been and are occurring as a result... I don't necessarily like a lot of upheaval in my life and I have been having some sleepless nights and stressful days - where I oftentimes felt like running away... far away!! So many crossroads are before me now and I am attempting to navigate these turns while continuing to stay in the center of Gods will for me and my kids. Trying to hear God's voice and His leading in the midst of the cacophony of chaos and continuing work of grieving which is my life right now... Pros and cons, benefits and downfalls, short term, long term... What's coming around the bend?? How did Cj, as the leader of our home, hear and know what God was telling us to do?? How did he make decisions, such as job changes, career changes, moving homes, etc. which ...

James 1:2-4: 2 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (NASB) Peter 1:6-7: 6 So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (NLT) I have come to appreciate and understand these verses a whole lot more in the past 7 months!! Lately, it just seems like I can't get a break... something is always happening, breaking down, needing attention, etc. This life is constantly stretching and testing me!! (: I wa...

Today is Cj's 35th birthday - I keep thinking of what we would have been doing if this were a normal year with a normal birthday... I would have teased him that he was getting old... "Only 5 more years til 40!! Truly hitting middle age... Start looking for those gray hairs!!" Lol, I can see his wry grin now! I wondered what Cj would be like as an old/older man. I couldn't picture it, because of course, I only knew him as a young guy and everything about him was strong, active and...young. (: I used to jokingly remark that I didn't think he would be able to handle getting old... He would get too frustrated with having to slow down, to not be a "force to be reckoned with" on the soccer field!! We celebrated by going to one of our family's favorite restaurants, where we went for Cj's birthday last year... I had the waiter bring out the "birthday brownie sundae" at the end. Funny, the kids didn't devour it like they usually do... The ...

So after my last post, I went to bed, determined to keep my eyes on what the Lord was telling me and trust in Him... Have you ever heard the phrase, "...be careful what you wish (or in this case, pray) for..."? LOL The next morning was Sunday, I was looking forward to attending church for the first time in several weeks. Due to work, etc. I hadn't been able to make it and I was hungry for some fellowship and a chance to worship and learn... Well, my morning started out with a VERY cranky 14month old, who didn't want anything but for me to hold him - not easy to do when trying to dress for church!! As I was juggling keeping him happy and getting ready - I heard Cadence start screaming from the other room... She and Justin had been playing, racing each other and the dog had gotten excited and in the process of joining the chase - she ran through Cadie's legs and completely upended her. Cadence landed hard on her head on our marble floor!! No blood and I couldn...

I have been really struggling this week, struggling with grief, fear, loss, the feeling that I am expected to be "over this now", the reality that it has only just begun and all the emotions tied up in those issues... I was working hard to remember the verses God had given me, struggling to not be discouraged... I am overwhelmed with the inability to "get a handle on things" -- I feel like just when I'm starting to stand upright, I keep getting my feet knocked out from under me!! I have not been "resting" lately, I have a thousand items clamoring for my attention and for each thing I get crossed off of my list... it seems like two more get added!! Add to that, my inability to sleep due to working nights and my "circadian rhythm" getting out of whack and it turns me into an exhausted, emotional wreck!! I worked last night and during the quiet, still hours of the late night/early morning, I felt like I was battling for control of my mind and tr...

This week has quickly passed by! The plumbers came on Wednesday to begin the work on my slab leak, as it had been over a week without hot water in my house, we were more than ready to have it fixed!! However, I was DREADING the upheaval it was going to cause, jack-hammering through my tile and foundation... I had a few appointments that morning, so I left, knowing my sister would oversee the work and keep me updated. Upon looking at my contract I saw that the quoted price covered "...up to 8 hours of labor and 3 ft of pipe...anything extra will incur further costs..." "Great" , I said to Martha, "I wonder how much more it will cost me... the guy said it was a potentially complicated leak and worst case, could lead to me having 3 holes busted into my tile and/or new wood floor... the way things are going in my life, I'm just going to plan for the worst!!" She just laughed at me. As I was sitting in my counseling appointment, we were discussing some of ...