The Chijioke Life

Today was Cadence's 5th birthday -- a milestone in her young life. Happy birthday my beautiful princess - hard to believe how fast the time is flying by!! We had fun celebrating with most of my family in town for the week. It was good to celebrate, as its been a rough few days here! My Christmas eve present was to discover a "warm spot" on my kitchen floor... Couldn't figure out what was causing it -- with the cold weather it was actually kinda nice (: Would've been great if I actually had heated tile floors, but -- I don't! :-/ When it started spreading farther into the kitchen and the living room and then became a HOT spot, we began to get a bit worried!! 3 days later, after much investigation and a call to the fire department - we got in touch with a plumber who proceeded to alert us that we have a "slab leak". **...Sigh...** So it appears that my house is about to be torn apart -- again. They tell me that they will try to bust up just my ...

Its Christmas morning...I'm sitting here in a quiet, empty house - pandora's playing christmas music gently in the background and the christmas tree lights are twinkling at me from across the room, wrapped presents still piled underneath... it is beautiful! We only got into our stockings this morning, my family took the kids to church this morning and we are going to open presents when they get back. I stayed home to "take a nap" because I am scheduled to work tonight... But, I am missing Cj too much today -- I started looking for any pictures of him that I could find and the tears simply won't stop today... I made it through our first birthdays without daddy and the first Thanksgiving without my husband was sad and I kept looking for him...but I got through without breakdowns -- I didn't expect Christmas to bring such a well of grief, this entire week leading up to Christmas has been been rough! I miss my husband so very much -- we are missing our daddy, it...

The twins turned 8 years old!!! Can't believe they are getting so big... We celebrated a day early cause I had to work, went to see the "adventures of Tintin", pretty good (: the boys loved it! We then had a celebration dinner out with a few close friends - fun times. God bless these little boys, they bring a lot of joy to this momma's heart!! (:

So we went on a trip last week - I decided to give the kids a "magical trip" and took them and several family members to Disney World. We had never been before and a couple things led to me making this decision to take them out of school and head down there this year. We were desperately needing to make some good memories, our last family vacation ended in such tragedy and we all are still wrestling with feelings of anguish over that. Something that my side of the family had been planning for almost 2yrs and we had anticipated with such joy turned into such sorrow. The kids were needing this distraction as we waded through birthdays and the holidays, we were all feeling the angst of missing our central person and it was kind of "piling up" on us. Also, Cj had mentioned many times wanting to go to Disney and I had always put it off, "too commercialized", but, I decided to give it a try since it was something he had wanted to do with the kids. I wasn't ...

I believe that God uses circumstances and events in our lives for many things - not the least of which, is to teach us lessons in life... and to reveal more of Himself to us - strengthening our faith as we walk with Him. I was thinking about some of the lessons that I have learned over the past few months... I have learned that I CAN survive something of which I shuddered to think before...I have learned that the worst can and does happen sometimes -- we really are not immortal or invincible here on this earth... I have learned that we CAN indeed survive a traumatic loss... that God can help us to do this victoriously... not just slogging through mental/emotional breakdowns and despair... but with joy added, triumphant moments and smiles through the tears... where this strength has come from -- I do not even know -- except I DO know!! "...in my weakness, Your strength is made perfect..." A really huge thing that I have learned is that God CAN and WILL speak to my sweet childr...

Quick note to all my friends and family who are on here!! I am in the midst of putting together my christmas letter/christmas cards - if you would like to receive one from our family this year, please email me your home address!! Thanks (:

I am learning how to be thankful this holiday season -- thankful for the fun and crazy moments with family, thankful for a good job, thankful for my beautiful children... thankful for an amazing set of friends - I am so very thankful for the amazing group of beautiful people God has placed in our lives... Most of all, I am thankful that God is in control of my life and my kids lives and that He has good plans for us!! It is such an awesome realization that God loves us that much... Happy holidays my friends, happy holidays as we celebrate the true reason for this beautiful season!! (:

Life is gradually getting back into the swing of things again -- I'm back to work, kids are full swing into school, my numerous house projects are coming to fruition... I'm glad that things are settling and yet part of me doesn't like this "new life", getting into a new routine means I am accepting that Cj is gone and I'm not sure I want to move on with that! A huge part of me still waits for him to walk through the door... to approve of all we have done on the house, to play Xbox or basketball with the boys, make breakfast for Cadence every morning like before and to settle William down when he's cranky... The holidays are looming... I'm not sure of even what to expect emotionally and that is a bit scary. My counselor suggested we work on making new family memories and do new things this holiday season - - we've got a couple things planned and I'm anticipating good things. Praying that everything works out and that we will all be able to...

"Consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls." Hebrews 12:3 This passage, from my morning devotions, jumped out at me. I have been struggling with such weariness and a deep sadness as the reality of life without Cj looms and the enormity of this loss fills our daily existence with a breathtaking pain. The shock has somewhat worn off, but, the "missing him" gets worse by the day... When my son turns to me and says, "...I know what you are saying, but...I am having a hard time believing it -- how am I supposed to accept this?!!..." I feel so completely inadequate to answer his questions and to reply, "...well, honey, I don't know... but, God is in control..." , that just seems so inept and almost false. I KNOW God loves my children and I KNOW He has a good plan for each of them and that He IS in control... and that He is GOOD. But, how do I translate that to them, in...

Yesterday was William's first birthday -- my baby is becoming a big boy!! Where has the time gone?? I can't believe it has been a year already... It was hard yesterday, watching him zip around the house - crawling and walking, us singing happy birthday and all the while wishing that Cj was here to be a part of the celebration... I've often wondered what William thinks about his dad being gone -- it breaks my heart. There have been a few times, earlier on, when I felt that William was actually looking for his dad. Sometimes, at night, he would cry and cry, looking around, as if waiting for his dad to walk in. Of all our babies, William was the most attached to his dad, at this young of an age. He would stay happily with his dad for hours, leaning on his shoulder while Cj worked on his laptop. He was the only one of our babies who would willingly go to his daddy over me! I used to laugh and joke that it wasn't fair because I was the one who did all the "hard work...

I have been struggling the past few weeks with grief and how to deal with it. I've had this odd sense of "numbness" with an underlying tone of irritation, almost anger. I'm tired of being sad, tired of barely staying afloat with homework, housework, etc, tired of being ambushed with an emotional upheaval from minor things! Tired of missing my husband...and it has only been 3 months. **sigh** Today as I was driving, a beautiful and familiar song began playing Our God is, a consuming fire, A burning holy Flame, with glory and freedom Our God is, the only righteous judge, Ruling over us with kindness and wisdom We will keep our eyes on You We will keep our eyes on You Tears filled my eyes as it dawned on me, the answer to all of my inner turmoil "...we will keep our eyes on You..." The "stuff" of life has been crowding back in -- I realized that I have been forgetting where my true strength lies and attempting to get through this on my own. I have be...

Christian turned 10 last tuesday - - it is a big milestone, a decade! Hard to believe my firstborn, my baby is becoming a young man. It was also our first birthday without our Daddy here... so bittersweet We celebrated by going to Medieval Times on Sunday, per Christian's request. My brother, Elijah, flew down for a weekend suprise and he got to come with us as well. First time for all of us - - the kids LOVED it!! It ended up being a fun night, full of laughter and cheering, a great distraction from the daily grind. A little escape from the sadness. I look at Christian, a gangly, growing boy -- full of laughter, thoughts, so many questions, so much pain - - he has taken such a burden onto his shoulders with his dad being gone. I pray for him, that he can just enjoy being a little boy and not attempt to shoulder responsibilities that are not his to carry. My prayer, of blessing and hope and truth, for each of my children, but especially for Christian as we get to celebrate another ...

This grief is a "funny" thing, it takes one completely by surprise at times....shocking in its intensity. Like today, as I was driving home from dropping the boys off at school, I almost ran off the road when a wave of pain crashed down on me and I was broken. My sister asked me today, "...what do I miss the most about Cj..." I miss everything... I miss seeing him, I miss talking to him about what is going on in the world, my life, with the kids...I miss watching the news with him...I miss getting a hug from him as he walked by...I miss seeing him with the kids, I miss hearing him laugh... I was scrolling through photos on my computer and Cj's face came up, William was on my lap and he instantly lunged towards the screen - grabbing at it and saying over and over "...da-da! da-da!" with a huge grin. My God... why did my baby have to lose his daddy before he even barely knew him??? The line from a Moby song has been running through my head all day today...

After my hard day, I ended the day CHOOSING to praise God and walk in faith that He would get us through somehow... though emotionally I was still feeling raw and unsettled. My heart was aching and tired -- quite simply, I was just hurting! This morning when I opened my devotions, this was the first verse my eyes fell upon, "I, even I, am He who comforts you." Isaiah 51:12 I cannot accurately describe the healing those words from my sweet Lord were to my aching soul!! God is just amazing! He met me right where I was -- I needed to know that my Abba loved me and that He understood what I was going through. I was so blessed by my devotions this morning that I just wanted to 1. "brag" on my Heavenly Father and 2. share some of the verses that spoke to me this morning! "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any tr...

What do cars repeatedly breaking down, new car getting backed into, crazy hectic schedules, a sick baby (sleepless nights), never ending calls, forms, overdue requests and a broken hot water heater have in common??!! My life for the past 2 weeks!!! Lol, seriously, I am so thankful that I do not believe in "bad luck", because if I did... I think I'd be just about done with life by now!! This time is a constant study in turning it back over to God and laying my burdens down at His feet. "...cast all your cares upon Him..." has a whole new meaning for me at this point! Monday morning, I had a "straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back" moment... and it was only 8am!!! As I was dropping the kids off at school, I realized, as other 4th graders hopped out of their cars, that Christian had the WRONG outfit on (picture day!!) and I now had to drive all the way home and back again - yet another hour of driving on top of my already full day. Such a little thing, bu...

The other day, as I was driving, the following song came on and the words struck me deeply! Throughout this journey, I've never strongly felt the need to ask, "Why". Why did God allow this to happen? Why has He chosen for my children and I to go through this pain and this journey? God has allowed other circumstances in my life (which I now consider blessings in disguise) where I have learned, "Why not me?" . I know that sounds rather harsh, but, what makes me so special that pain should not touch me? Please, do not get me wrong, I do not desire to go through trials or pain!! I shudder to think of more pain coming, desperately pray no more comes. The other day, Justin said with a profound sadness in his voice that no 7yr old little boy should have, "when I'm at school, my eyes keep filling with tears, I have to keep wiping them -- I want Dad...I just want Dad!" , these moments pierce my mother's heart like a knife and I weep for the pain that m...

Whew, the past 2 weeks have been long and very busy! Last week we traveled to northern Illinois for my younger brother's wedding. It was a good time of being with family and celebrating a joyous occasion. I wasn't expecting any difficulties emotionally, a few wise friends did think about that and made sure to pray for us. All went well, until during the reception - - I started getting emotional as they played a couples dance and then as I was getting a little control back, a song started playing that was Cj's song for me back when we started dating - - seriously??!! (My poor brother and sister in law had no idea) That was the end of the night for me. The trip back was good over all, we flew back into Dallas, late Monday evening, got the kids showered and into bed and pulled out things for school the next morning. That began the craziness of life back in Texas!! Every day this week has been non-stop go, go, go for me and the kids! We would leave the house at 7:30am and I wou...

This post is going to be a little different than my other ones, I've been asked several times by friends and aquaintances, "what exactly happened to Cj", and it dawned on me that although I have assumed everyone knows what happened; that does not seem to be the case. I decided it is time for me to process that day a bit more so, I'm going to write about that summer day and what happened... this may end up coming in installments as I attempt this. This will be a bit rough and raw... Monday, July 11, 2011 It was a beautiful, summer day in the mountains of Tennessee! We were on a family vacation with my family and Cj's sister who had come to visit us from Nigeria and had traveled with us from Texas. We woke early because we had planned a fun morning of playing at the river, tubing and just playing at the local swimming hole. Cj was so excited, he had just recently been getting into outdoor adventure stuff like this and was thrilled to try his hand at another water sp...

Today, I have been fighting the "blues" all day... Last night, I dreamed that Cj was coming home and I was excited to show him our new room. I woke up realizing that wasn't ever going to happen and it just started my day off on the wrong note... In everything I am doing, every decision or choice I am making, I am unconsciously thinking, "what will Cj say about this... what will he think about this choice..." When I drive onto the toll road I automatically think, "uh-oh, Cj will get grumpy if I run the tolltag up..." then I remember -- again -- that he won't ever care about that and it doesn't matter anymore because I'm the one responsible and paying the bills now. **sigh** The constant reminder of loss is hard... so hard. I have this voice inside of me that keeps repeating, "he's not coming back, Hannah... he's not coming back" Today was a struggle in keeping my hope and focus where it needs to be - - minor irritations b...

This week has been busy, hectic, stressful in many ways, but packed with unexpected blessings! It started off with testing for the kids for school, Andrew was crying the night before, "what if I do badly, answer everything wrong and they kick me out.. or put me back in kindergarten?!" ... my slightly dramatic child! But, as we have fallen off the learning train this summer and with all of the trauma that has occured, I have to admit I was a little worried too! The testing went well, we met some very kind and sensitive people at the school. All the boys were happy at the end and had a "good time"...we haven't heard if they are back in kindergarten yet!! Lol (; The middle part of the week consisted of a couple days away at a local hotel for a mental health/spiritual retreat time for me. The peace and quiet were really good for me, though William kept it from being too quiet! I came home on Thursday to find a delightful surprise, my family and close friends had spe...

I ache for missing my husband, longing for him to be here, to walk through the door and hold me again. Sometimes when I'm lying awake in bed at night, I feel that if I just don't open my eyes and reach out I will feel him there, lying beside me and all will be well again. But, invariably, I open my eyes and his side of the bed is cold and empty... God said that the "two shall become one" - well my other half is gone and I'm walking around off balance with this constant thrum of loss with each beat of my heart, because my partner in life is gone... simply breathing is painful at times. It has now been almost a month since Cj drowned and people say to me, "life goes on, you must move on, you must be strong...I understand how you must be feeling..." or they wonder what is wrong when they see my red rimmed eyes after I've been crying... I take a breath, fight the urge to scream, smile and say I am fine... but the truth is that my heart is weeping -- I am...

"Cj's body is not here...the escort has arrived, but, his body isn't here and we don't know where he is..." This was the dreaded phone call that I received Friday afternoon. My worst nightmare about his transportation to Nigeria was playing out! "...what happened...where is he now...who do I call...Lord God, this can't possibly be happening, right?!", These thoughts and questions whirled through my head as I listened to the anxious voices on two cell phones as I juggled talking to multiple people, trying to assess what had happened, what the airline was saying, what to do next and... where in the world was my husband's body?!! The next few hours were full of high emotion and anxiety as we waited to find out where the airline had left him, why and what was going to happen next... Two days before this we had checked Cj's casket into the airport and entrusted him into the care of the airline (which shall remain nameless!), little did we know t...

As I continue on this journey, I find that it is the little things that are catching me off guard and causing the most pain... I think because I'm not prepared for them. The big things I am ready for and I am able to take a breath and kind of "shore up" my emotional safeguards in preparation. But, the little, unexpected events - like removing the empty soap dish from Cj's sink in our bathroom and realizing that I don't have to fill it again, or when his phone popped up a reminder to change the air filters monthly... these things remind me again of the reality that he is never coming back and waves of grief wash over me and the tears flow... This week has been full of this emotional roller coaster - add to that a fretful and clingy baby who is no longer sleeping at night, stress filled moments/days over Cj's transportation to Nigeria, some anxiety over situations that were out of my control but nevertheless counted as my responsibility and fault, trying to keep...

My heart is full, the ache is present, but, God's love and presence is strong...words come slowly tonight... I have been keeping busy - busy with all the things that must be done or attended to, and as long as nothing goes wrong, I'm okay and able to deal with life. But, when I start getting stressed, I internalize for as long as possible and then I just become a mess!! Yesterday, after a long day of doing "things", at the end of the day I was a trembling shambles of nerves and stress - I decided then that Cj has been gone long enough and I'm ready for him to come home and help me with all of this stuff that must be done...I don't want to do this alone!! I realize I am using these things, that must be done, as distractions from my grief and loneliness...some distraction is necessary and I'm glad for it. But, after a while I can't pretend or ignore it anymore... My poor family and close friends have had a front row seat to my pity party and venting... U...

Hiding in Jesus Today was a hard day, I start thinking I am doing okay and then unexpectedly the pain comes... Had a regular check-up for the baby today, and I felt that I was going to be okay, but when I walked into the office, the reality of how much my life is changing hit me and I broke down when the pediatrician walked into the exam room. Also today, I began the process of cleaning out my bedroom, removing a lot of the things that speak so loudly of Cj's presence - as we began pulling stuff out and I saw again how my life is changing, I found myself withdrawing and that now familiar ache spreading... I asked my sister to turn on my ipod and just shuffle my songs. Two songs came on, the first one which I haven't heard for probably 5 years at least! But these two songs were exactly what I needed to hear from my Savior and I was so blessed as His love spread into my hurting heart and again became that "balm of gilead" for me at that moment... I'm going to post a...

My dear friends, I have been held in a sort of cocoon over the past weeks. The love, prayers and care of our friends and family have surrounded and upheld us each day. Last Wednesday, as I was praying, a story of Moses came to mind, from Exodus 17. The Israelites were fighting and when Moses held the rod of God up, they would win, but as his arms got tired and drooped, they would start to lose. So, his brother Aaron and Hur sat him down and held up his arms for the rest of the battle and they won. This is how I feel - like I am going through the biggest battle of my life and as I am weary, you all are holding me up through your prayers and support. Ten minutes after the Lord showed me this story, I got an email from my good friend, Paige, and she said the same story had come to her while she was praying for me. God's timing is amazing! (: As I begin to get a grasp on this "new normal", I find that I am going through cycles of being okay and not being okay... Kind of like ...

Hello Friends and Family, I just wanted to say a quick thank you to all of you who came out for the visitation and the memorial to show your love and support to the Chijioke family. It was deeply felt. I feel like now is not the time for a care calendar. It is best to give Hannah some time of quiet and peace and reflection. If you would like to find ways to assist Hannah please feel free to contact me personally at this time. Most of Hannah's family members have returned safely home. Please keep Hannah and her children in prayer as they return to their new "normal". Also, pray for God's clear guidance and strength as they have many decisions to make and things to do in the next few weeks. Lastly, please keep CJ's sister, Esther, in prayer as she is having her new baby here in the US very soon, may God grant her a quick delivery and healthy baby. Pray for traveling mercies as she returns back to Nigeria shortly after with her 2 children.

Here is a link to the Obituary on the AFFO website: http://www.affoplano.com/?q=obituary/dick-cj-chijioke It is posted in it's entirety below: C.J. was born on February 2, 1977 in Umuahia, Abia State, Nigeria to parents Emmanuel Dick Esokawu and Miriam Dick Esokawu Nee Ekenna. He passed away suddenly on July 11, 2011. As a child, he spent time playing football (soccer), working with his mom in her shop, and spending time with his 8 siblings and many friends. He was a mischievous boy who was known for playing pranks and telling stories with a great deal of flourish. His family divided their time between the village and the town but it was the village that held a special place in his heart. He was a smart and dedicated student and was always at the top of his class. Even as a young boy, he had many plans and hopes for himself. He dreamed of coming to America and his parents worked hard to help him achieve that goal. He began his undergrad career in Nigeria and then came to Lynchburg,...